Today I decided to
make a change.
It's not even on
the lowest keys of change either. Usually what I do when I feel stagnant or
stuck, is basically do something drastic and a complete left. I have this unique
ability, maybe one could even call it a quality, to able to just up and move
somewhere without and kind of hesitation, doubt or worry in my mind. I mean sure
I get nervous here or there but in the grand scheme of it all, I'm pretty
excited about something new. I say about the three year mark of being somewhere,
that's when I get tired of being in that place and want a new change of pace.
Long ago, not too
long after my freshman year at Shaw University, I put made a plan in my head to
move back up to Washington D.C. after I graduated. That plan came about because
that's where my family is from, well rather parts of Maryland and Virginia
mostly. So logically speaking, that move would make sense in terms of me being
around family that I didn't get to see a lot like that. Well you know things
happen in life for a reason, and plans get put on hold and sometimes forgotten.
But since 2014 has been labeled the year of restoration, I've decided to come
back full circle within myself, this is one of the major things that need to
come back.
Therapy really has
taken a hold of me in terms of pushing my attitude, dreams, goals and primarily
my way of thinking to the edge. My therapist constantly tests my mental prowess
every single time I go in there. She always hits me with that one question that
always makes me go, "well, I didn't look at it like that". Like I said a couple
weeks ago, she beat me down, tore me apart, and just destroyed me the first
couple of months I was in there. Now I'm in the rebuilding phase as she likes to
call it. This week she asked me one fairly simple question:
"What are you
holding onto, why are you so afraid to be who you are?"
Now that seemed
like a loaded question to me at the time. My replying being the typical "I don't
know" statement. She then hit me with the question again, a little different
this time around:
"What is
there not to know about what you're holding onto? Is it really hard to not know
why you're afraid to be who you are? You're not a horrible person, you're not
the weakest person in terms of emotional stability. You have a sense of being
able to make rational decisions under pressure when it doesn't involve you. You
typically do things that others wouldn't do when it comes down to making sure
something happens. You like adventure, and being able to say you did something
that other people were too afraid to do themselves. So I ask you one more time;
"what are you holding onto, why are you so afraid to be who you are?"
When the question
was posed to me like that, it made more sense to me. I told her that I realize
the older I become, the less appealing it is to me to keep moving around from
state to state. I don't want to be in my late 30's still bouncing around like a
nomad until I'm forced to. I'd rather pick somewhere now and work on settling
down there, rather than doing route mentioned earlier. The one thing that I want
in life is a family, I think now are the years that count when in terms of
starting to build towards that so I'm not working all crazy in my latter years
trying to support them, I can enjoy them. Then she did something different.
First I have to let you know that my therapist isn't a therapist in the
conventional sense. We don't sit on couches and talk, then I leave. Oh no, we
talk outside when it's sunny, and sit in front of a window when it's raining,
she says the weather can help a person think when their eyes are open. So with
that being said, we're talking outside and she proceeds to walk me to the
fountain. This is what she said:
"Take a look
at what you see. You see yourself right? You see a man who is tired, stressed,
fed up, annoyed, angry, sad, depressed, homesick, and any other verbs used to
describe unhappiness. Now while you're not anywhere close to the level you were
on when you came here, you are undoubtedly still not to the level where you can
go around smiling without being worried. Take this fountain for instance, you
see yourself, calm and just flowing with whatever right now. But as I drop
this stone in the water you see what happens, you become wavy like, ripples all
across your face. That's your life, that's what it signals how you live. You're
not the type to just stop and make plans for yourself, you ride the waves of
life. Who ever said that was a bad thing? That's who YOU are, not anyone else,
but you. You've spent most of your life doing what you have to do, yes I know
you're tired of doing that, but you don't realize that when you do that, you get
where YOU want to be. So instead of making less ripples in the water and trying
to be calm with no breeze, start making waves because you're the surfer here,
looking for the biggest one to catch. Until you get that through your head,
you'll always be out there on your surfboard, waiting on the waters to change."
I'll just say that
I'm lucky to have older people give me such great advice. I don't look at her in
terms of being just a therapist, she's an older African American female who
genuinely cares and wants to see me do good for myself. This is the second time
I've had a very in depth conversations with a person I consider my elder, and
it's really starting to sink in. There are a number of reasons as to why I want
to be here, but none of those reasons are concrete enough for me to stay. People
always say to me "oh why do you just want to up and move, you don't want to be
around your friends anymore?" and that's not even remotely close to the truth. I
love my friends to death, but this isn't about them, it's about me. It's about
me being happy and doing things that make me happy, because if I didn't, then am
I really being the best friend I can be when I'm not personally happy with
myself? No I'm not, and who's to say that I will move, I might find a nice job
here and just up and travel, who knows for sure. But one thing that I do know
for sure as of today, change is coming, and it's going to come sooner rather
than later.
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