Change Gon' Come


Today I decided to make a change.

It's not even on the lowest keys of change either. Usually what I do when I feel stagnant or stuck, is basically do something drastic and a complete left. I have this unique ability, maybe one could even call it a quality, to able to just up and move somewhere without and kind of hesitation, doubt or worry in my mind. I mean sure I get nervous here or there but in the grand scheme of it all, I'm pretty excited about something new. I say about the three year mark of being somewhere, that's when I get tired of being in that place and want a new change of pace.

Long ago, not too long after my freshman year at Shaw University, I put made a plan in my head to move back up to Washington D.C. after I graduated. That plan came about because that's where my family is from, well rather parts of Maryland and Virginia mostly. So logically speaking, that move would make sense in terms of me being around family that I didn't get to see a lot like that. Well you know things happen in life for a reason, and plans get put on hold and sometimes forgotten. But since 2014 has been labeled the year of restoration, I've decided to come back full circle within myself, this is one of the major things that need to come back.

Therapy really has taken a hold of me in terms of pushing my attitude, dreams, goals and primarily my way of thinking to the edge. My therapist constantly tests my mental prowess every single time I go in there. She always hits me with that one question that always makes me go, "well, I didn't look at it like that". Like I said a couple weeks ago, she beat me down, tore me apart, and just destroyed me the first couple of months I was in there. Now I'm in the rebuilding phase as she likes to call it. This week she asked me one fairly simple question:

"What are you holding onto, why are you so afraid to be who you are?"

Now that seemed like a loaded question to me at the time. My replying being the typical "I don't know" statement. She then hit me with the question again, a little different this time around:

"What is there not to know about what you're holding onto? Is it really hard to not know why you're afraid to be who you are? You're not a horrible person, you're not the weakest person in terms of emotional stability. You have a sense of being able to make rational decisions under pressure when it doesn't involve you. You typically do things that others wouldn't do when it comes down to making sure something happens. You like adventure, and being able to say you did something that other people were too afraid to do themselves. So I ask you one more time; "what are you holding onto, why are you so afraid to be who you are?"

When the question was posed to me like that, it made more sense to me. I told her that I realize the older I become, the less appealing it is to me to keep moving around from state to state. I don't want to be in my late 30's still bouncing around like a nomad until I'm forced to. I'd rather pick somewhere now and work on settling down there, rather than doing route mentioned earlier. The one thing that I want in life is a family, I think now are the years that count when in terms of starting to build towards that so I'm not working all crazy in my latter years trying to support them, I can enjoy them. Then she did something different. First I have to let you know that my therapist isn't a therapist in the conventional sense. We don't sit on couches and talk, then I leave. Oh no, we talk outside when it's sunny, and sit in front of a window when it's raining, she says the weather can help a person think when their eyes are open. So with that being said, we're talking outside and she proceeds to walk me to the fountain. This is what she said:

"Take a look at what you see. You see yourself right? You see a man who is tired, stressed, fed up, annoyed, angry, sad, depressed, homesick, and any other verbs used to describe unhappiness. Now while you're not anywhere close to the level you were on when you came here, you are undoubtedly still not to the level where you can go around smiling without being worried. Take this fountain for instance, you see yourself, calm and  just flowing with whatever right now. But as I drop this stone in the water you see what happens, you become wavy like, ripples all across your face. That's your life, that's what it signals how you live. You're not the type to just stop and make plans for yourself, you ride the waves of life. Who ever said that was a bad thing? That's who YOU are, not anyone else, but you. You've spent most of your life doing what you have to do, yes I know you're tired of doing that, but you don't realize that when you do that, you get where YOU want to be. So instead of making less ripples in the water and trying to be calm with no breeze, start making waves because you're the surfer here, looking for the biggest one to catch. Until you get that through your head, you'll always be out there on your surfboard, waiting on the waters to change."

I'll just say that I'm lucky to have older people give me such great advice. I don't look at her in terms of being just a therapist, she's an older African American female who genuinely cares and wants to see me do good for myself. This is the second time I've had a very in depth conversations with a person I consider my elder, and it's really starting to sink in. There are a number of reasons as to why I want to be here, but none of those reasons are concrete enough for me to stay. People always say to me "oh why do you just want to up and move, you don't want to be around your friends anymore?" and that's not even remotely close to the truth. I love my friends to death, but this isn't about them, it's about me. It's about me being happy and doing things that make me happy, because if I didn't, then am I really being the best friend I can be when I'm not personally happy with myself? No I'm not, and who's to say that I will move, I might find a nice job here and just up and travel, who knows for sure. But one thing that I do know for sure as of today, change is coming, and it's going to come sooner rather than later.

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