Even A Good Man Has Bad Times ..

There's no cool quote to match the blog topic, there is no witty title. I wrote this blog unedited, I didn't go back and edited it, this all came straight from the heart, in the middle of the night, and is intended to be as genuine as possible. 

This is probably one of the harder blogs for me to write because it has to deal with my real life and issues that I come across from the very people that I know. I try not to go into much detail about the people per say but the events rather that upset me. This time around the event, or person I should say, is me. For the first time in a long time I am thoroughly upset with myself for messing something up that I wanted. Usually people don't change unless they are forced to change. They aren't compelled to do something drastic in their life until something they really, really, really want threatens to leave them, or actually does. In my case, something that I really wanted, left me because I was being stupid. That's all I can say, I was being stupid, I was worried about all the wrong things and in turn that came back to bite me in the ass, and I'm feeling the effects of it.

I'm still a relatively private person and I'm not going to share the exacts of my personal relationships with anyone like that, but I read this blog over at Odd Crunch's Words From A Divorced Man & it was about a guy named Gerald Rogers who was divorced after 16 years of marriage. He came up with a list of things he wished he knew before he got married, because he lost a woman that he loved very dearly. The list is as follows:

1. Never stop courting. | Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love

2. PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. | Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. | You will constantly change. You're not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don't take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. | Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can't help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER! | Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it's what you wanted or not.

6. TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions. | It's not your wife's job to make you happy, and she CAN'T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her. | It is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them... when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to JUST BE. | When she's sad or upset, it's not your job to fix it, it's your job to HOLD HER and let her know it's ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she's important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you... DON'T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE'S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren't going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. BE SILLY. | Don't take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY. | Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. BE PRESENT. | Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY. | To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. DON'T BE AN IDIOT. | And don't be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You're not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. GIVE HER SPACE. | The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing... (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. BE VULNERABLE. | You don't have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. | If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING... Especially those things you don't want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK... If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER. | The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. |  Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY. | and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don't let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

I read this right after my break up, like a day after, and I just kept reading the list over and over and over again. Now its about two weeks after my break up and I'm still in awe of this list because this is exactly all of the things I've should've done. I'm not scared to admit that I messed up, that I failed. That's life, people make mistakes everyday, people have bad days, but it's what you learn from those days & failings that make you who you are. Whether I get back with her or I don't, these are things I tell myself that I have to remember when I'm dealing with a woman that I love. While these things are being applied to marriage, I look at it in terms of doing this type of stuff from day one, because that's what separates the love from the lust, the hope from the delusion, the future pain from the future happiness. I realize now that it's my duty as a man to give a woman something to love, no matter how hard times get. I'm learning the hard way right now, the very hard way, and that's perfectly ok with me. I made the mistake, and I have to pay for it. I'm just steering my life back to the point where God can bless me with the opportunity to succeed in this situation should it arise again.

But if you're in a relationship or marriage right now, I implore you to think about this list and take into account some, if not all, of the things on here. It could prove to be helpful to you before its too late.

Relationships | The Real Test of Patience, Self Growth & Love


I've been noticing a lot lately a lot of people either breaking up or going through some kind of struggle within a relationship and making it public matter. Which can mean only one thing, it's getting warmer. What correlation does the weather and relationships have with each other, nothing at all, I just wanted to mess with some people who took me serious enough to believe it just now. Well for the older people serious about their life it just means more fun in the sun, young people see a piece of thigh and want to go to the buffet immediately. That was something I heard an uncle say one time. But I digress, a lot of people seem to say that no one believes in love and in relationships, everyone wants what is quick and easy, basically benefiting them. And that statement is absolutely true.

Think about this, we live in an age where a guy from Oregon can get on twitter, start a conversation with someone from Iceland, and in a couple of weeks those same people could meet with the help of cheap airline tickets and fall in love. It has happened many times over, probably happening at this very moment and you not even realize it. But with that comes one very dangerous thing, people don't practice enough patience and conviction to stick around and make it work, one argument and they are up and gone back to where they came from without hesitation. Why is it so easy for them to leave and not look back? Because they have the same tools at their disposal to find someone else who will go along with what they want out of a relationship until they find that submissive one who does every single thing they like.

What happened to the days where a spat or argument resulted in talking and a coming together for the greater good of the relationship because you know that's the person who you're going to be with. When a man could do little small gestures to remind the woman why he loves her and only her. Or a woman just roll over and realize that she loves that man no matter what and give him a kiss and something as simple as that let's him know that everything is ok. But we live in a world where texting an ex is all but so easy and the thoughts of nothing being forever runs so rampant.

People tend to forget that the ideal of love is not just that everything will be ok and no problems will ever occur. When in fact, struggles and hard times will always be prevalent in everyday life. It's just the manner in which those two people who decided to come together, deal with it, as one. There's going to be mornings where a tire is flat, where a kid is throwing up on your work shirt, or you actually get to work and people who aren't happy. It's just how the person you are with reacts to that situation. And honestly its a task because sometimes you want to be comforted and told that everything is going to be ok, and other times you just want to talk trash about the event or the people involved. That's where the whole notion of actually knowing your partner comes into play. That's one of the missing elements as well, actually knowing the person.  But there are important things that people take lightly or forget all together. I wanted to run down a couple off the top of my head that are important to me.

1. Communication | This is perhaps the number one thing that people mention when they talk about what makes the relationship turn. The most important part if you will. I was told time after time after time, if you can't sit down and talk to the person that you're suppose to be able to share everything with, then what really is the point of dating that person. Now granted you're not going to be talking to that person about every single thing that goes on in the beginning but in time you'll be able to know what you can and can't share. But you should be able to feel comfortable enough to come to the person that you are with and tell them things that you feel are wrong and be able to sit down and talk it out and have an open discussion while coming to a solution. Without this there pretty much that you can't do to evolve the relationship and evolve yourselves.

2. Understanding | No two people are alike on this planet, with that being said, you have to be open to realizing that everyone does things at a different speed than you do. Meaning some people are more receptive to problems and criticisms within a relationship, while others are not. This is where patience comes into play as well because something's will take more out of you to meet the other person halfway in the relationship than the other things. The point of getting into a relationship with another person is to see beyond just your point of life. It's to understand their thought process and take that information and guide them to better in do time. With this you'll begin to understand yourself more as well, this isn't just about understanding the other person, this is more so about you and your abilities. You might be an impatient person, and learn the value of patience, or you might be a head strong person and learn the importance of slowing things down and just relax. Understanding what things are and realizing what they mean is very, very important.

3. Admitting You're Wrong | This one is probably one of the harder things to do while in a relationship, well because honestly a lot of people don't like to admit when they are wrong about things, ever. Being able to see that you were being a dumb ass or a jerk about a situation can really take you a long way when it involves your significant other. If you have the mindset of thinking that admitting you're wrong is the same as admitting defeat, then you have a long road ahead of you to go. Admitting you're means you know you were wrong and actually know what it takes to make things right. Saying you were wrong for the hell of it and thinking you're right isn't going to do anything but harbor bad feelings and animosity that isn't needed, thus creating tension and stress. Admitting you're wrong goes back to understanding your partner because you know basically know what's right and wrong when it comes to them. Realizing that you're wrong and wanting to work through it is a big, big, big step towards growing as a person and connecting with someone for a greater good.

4. Hard Work | This is the thing to me that gets lost in the fray of a relationship. People these days are so intent on leaving a situation quick fast and in a hurry that they forget that the problems that they face wont go away because they get rid of the person that they are with. Now if you are continuously going through the same problems and nothing is ever working out then I am all for you moving on. But sometimes the judging of what that time length or the effort that is put into it is often not measured in the correct way. Sometimes people give up to early, and sometimes people give up way too late. But for the most part people run away at the fist sign of trouble more than so. Sometimes working hard means taking a step back, looking at the situation with fresh eyes and then going back right into it. If that person that you are with is worth the trouble, you will find a way to make it work, and make it better. No one is perfect, and you will realize this and you will also know when you come out of this situation that you will be a better person. That is the goal of hard work, knowing that the pay off is greater than the situation or circumstances you are faced with at the moment. hard work is the culmination of communication, understanding and admitting when things are going wrong. In the end this will be one of, if not the saving grace of your relationship.

5. Love | And finally we have the main thing that gets behind everything that I mention and pushes it to success. If two people are together out of true love then nothing will stop their love from pushing them to greatness. Everyday is not sunny, and everyday is not rainy, love knows this and that's the main factor that reminds people no matter how hard the times get or high they reach, love will always be there to remind them that everything will be alright because its coming from two people who want to be together and want to achieve heights they could've never imagined. Love will always bring them back to solid ground if they so ever get off it. Sometimes people need to just sit back and remember why they are there with each other every so often. This will allow you to remember what you're doing there and the goals and hopes you have for being with that person.

To me those are just some of the things that make a relationship tick and keep things going in the direction of happiness. There are many, many other reasons that can keep things ticking between people because all relationships aren't the same. So I just picked some stuff that all relationships could relate too . if there is something else you would like to add to the list I'm interested in hearing it, just leave your feedback in the comments section. Later guys.

The Forgotten Poems, Vol. 1

So I was gathering up all the things that I have written and posted to the net since 2009, and lord there is a lot, and I came across 8 poems that I posted to Facebook. I actually have a whole live book out here somewhere that I need to find, but in the mean time I don't have any shame to my game in sharing these with you guys. I liked them so hopefully you guys will too. Enjoy!

abrownskingirl.com Blog Review

I'm realizing more and more that I don't like intro's when it comes to my posts. I'm one of those don't beat around the bush kind of people. I'd rather hop right into my subject and get to writing. But I do want to welcome you guys to my second blog review that I've done for the site. I enjoy reading and going through blogs that my peers have made & give them a chance to have it promoted on mine so more people will be aware of them. I was talking to a friend of mine and new blogger @mcfatwashere of mcfatwashere.com and we came to the realization that us small time African American bloggers have to stick together and promote each other as often as possible. I like to think that everyone blogs about different subjects and even if it is the same subject they put their own little spin on things. Because we all see the world from a different angle and understand it from different points of views. This leads me to fellow blogger @the_dailyTHIRST, author of abrownskingirl.com. She is a very opinionated young lady, and for the most part her opinions are valid. I like the fact that she speaks candidly and openly on the topics of women want & need to hear. She doesn't sugar coat a thing when it comes to posts. I was reading her latest post entitled Situationships & she makes a statement that I want to quote because I feel like a lot of women should feel the same about themselves and how they see situations. She proceeded to say:

"My love is strong; too strong to waste on a man who's straddling the fence. & I won't settle.  I deserve commitment & a relationship. I don't deserve confusion & 50/50.  This whole no strings attached bullshit that I find more & more people settling into isn't for me.  I need strings, attachment & all. I deserve that shit. I'm worth it."

I find that post in particular a fantastic read that a lot of women & girls that I know personally should take notice of, because they may know that they are in that situationship themselves. I personally think that its hard to find strong minded, intelligent, independent and well spoken women that have the nerve to stand up for the idea of love and their want & need to accept only the best from a man. It's blogs like this that I love to read because they speak on personal experiences and they are so well put together that the reader can understand the point that's trying to be conveyed and never gets lost in the purpose of the post. She keeps you interested and entertained all while being informative and persuasive.

But just like any new blogger she doesn't have that many posts as you would like to read, we all have had that problem starting up, but I'm sure she'll get more into the swing of things when she becomes less busy and have more time to write and put out quality blogs. I'm all for the time between posts as long as the posts are that good as she's been cranking out.

As for the layout she has a pretty great one. It's simple and to the point, no clutter or anything distracting on the page as far as trying to navigate around it. She doesn't have that many posts so the need to see an archive isn't a necessity. The url is a simple one to remember, which is important for those who don't like to remember things that have such and such.blogspot.com like mine does lol. Overall I'm giving this blog a 9/10. I would personally want more posts but I understand why she isn't able to do that at this moment. So all in all go over and check out here website, abrownskingirl.com & support her. When you visit the site you can easily see if she updated her posts with my blog roll to the right.

Until next time guys.