I've Found It

 
 
Dear Best friend,

I wrote a blog post describing everything that you mean to me & more for the world to see. It basically told them how much you made me feel alive & like a man of God. Now I wrote that before I even knew who you were, it was a Christmas wish list of sorts. I poured my sad, broken little heart into every line & word on how I hoped you would be. At first before I let anyone read it, I thought to myself long & hard, worrying that those might be lofty expectations for someone to live up to in any stretch of the imagination. But then I thought to myself, "If God gave me these feelings in my heart to feel, then you as my dream can make them come true by simply being you". So I posted it with little to no advertisement & something amazing happened right after that, the blog was a hit. It was one of those posts that changed peoples way of thinking & made some self realizations in their own hearts & souls. I take no credit for any of that, it was all you. Your love is so boundless that when I felt you & spilled how you made me feel onto paper, everyone else felt your presence as well. You are that kind of woman, the best person I know in this whole entire world. All of that love from a woman that I never met, or so I thought I never did. 

With all the positive feed back & well wishes for me to find you soon, I never thought in a million years that I already knew you. Granted for not that long of a time, but none the less, you were already here staring me right in the face. 

I just want to say your love from day one has made me a better man every second of my existence. The very essences of you makes me smile on a daily basis. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me & I'm so excited about this adventure called life now that I have you here with me. There are so many women that envy you & so many that want to be you, but guess what, there's only one you. & just know that I wrote this all on whim because you reminded me of that Jon B. Song "Someone To Love". That is you, through & through. Until I text you in 5 minutes lol

Dev

What I Really Want From Her ..


And if the rain stops,
& everything's dry,
She would cry,
Just so I could drink the tears from her eyes.
- Lupe Fiasco

I was asked a funny question, yet it was a question that I couldn't fully answer without thinking to myself. One of my friends, female of course, asked me why I was single, my reply was "I'm not ready at this point in my life, I need to learn myself a little bit more and become somewhat established in a career field before I think about taking on a woman in my life". Bu that wasn't the question that got me confused. That question came in the form of:

"What are you going to do when that woman randomly bumps into you one day and just steals your breath"

I started to utter the phrase, "I don't believe a woman could do that", but my friend quickly reminded me that I am one of few men who actually believes in the notion that I will find my wife as the type to fall in love on first sight. She even went as far as to say that I'm on the right path to finding her because of my previous answer saying that I'm more likely to find that woman because I am indeed "doing all the things that make you happy, therefore you're going to run into a woman who is doing the same thing that is making herself happy." 

That was a very, very, very good point. So as I sat back with a smirkish grin on my face she once again asked me, "what are you going to do when that woman bumps into, stops you, or you see her across the room and she smiles at you & makes you forget every single person, thing and thought in that very moment?" Good question, what would I do ..


Before I could answer any such question I had to first evaluate myself. Where exactly am I on a mental state? What do I want to do as far as my future and fun is concerned? Well as far as my future is concerned, I have that figured out, I don't share such information with many people, just have faith that I know what I want to do lol. But as far as fun, well, it's safe to say that long gone are the days of partying Thursday through Saturday, getting drunk and wasted out of memory, staying out to 5am, sleeping til noon & looking for the next party. I have no desire to set foot in a club what so ever. I did however find me a nice chill bar on Wednesdays that I can go to. I have a bartender, well two when the alternate, they mix me strong drinks and I tip them well. Oh and there are dollar beers that I buy 10 for my two homeboys that come out every week. I spend about 20 bucks the whole night. I go to festivals and I'm more so interested in going to see cool special exhibits when they come to the museum. I like going downtown to all the  cultural festivals. I want to go on trips to do things other than partying, I want to site see, be a tourist and take cool ass pictures. I want to go to snazzy restaurants that are in the cut that have great food and drink specials with a nice special feel to them. As some would say, I switched from being hip to an old man.

So with that being said, I kind of, scratch that, I don't want a woman that feels the need to be in the club every single Friday and Saturday. I mean I go to the bar every Wednesday with my homeboys just to do a little mid-week unwind and see if there's anything worth doing for the upcoming weekend, so its completely fair if she wants to go out with her home girls and what not when she wants, hell I would want the same level of trust for when I say I'm doing things with the homeboys so I have to allot her that same level. But I do want her to be open to doing things that are different. Skydiving, Ziplining, going to Puerto Rico or Jamaica and swim with some dolphins. Have a genuine interest in going to festivals and actually wanting to go to experience other people's cultures and learn things from them. I would love to travel but I'm not taking just anyone who just wants to go just for the sake saying that they went and just go to shop and party. When I go to Greece I want to see the beaches and put my feet in the crystal blue waters, when I go to Paris I want to stand on the Eifel Tower and look over the city and take it in, when I go to China I want to go nice building and see the city glow at night. I just need her to be different.

I understand what I describe is a woman that I would be considering marrying to some standards, but I ask them this, why not? Today people get too caught up in looking for someone to marry when they get to a certain age and settle down with no kind of back story to how or when they really met and fell in love. A lot of people are just setting down for the sake of settling down. That's such a sad thing to in retrospect because there is no greater feeling than that of losing yourself into another person with no remorse or regret. Getting to know someone is where half the fun is, the other half is keeping them around and continuously doing fun and exciting things throughout the rest of your time together in life if you remain together. 

I want to be with a woman I can look at everyday and feel the same way I did when I first looked at her. I want to randomly wake up on the beach of the Dominican Republic, with the sound of the ocean in the back and the sun beaming down on her face and she smiles so beautiful that even the darkest part of my heart smiles. I want to be able to go home and she's cooking or I'm cooking and we both get equally surprised and excited that there's someone there who wants to try to make new things to no only impress the other person but also try something out of the box. I want someone who I don't have to worry about when they are out and about having fun because she knows what right and wrong is, and doesn't even care of give a second look to the foolishness. I want that hair tied, sweatshirt, sweatpants, tube socks look because that's the moment that she entrusts to me her true and chill state, and at that moment she'll look even more beautiful to me. I want inside jokes, I want random kisses just because, i want her to pout so when I kiss her on the forehead and wrap my arms around her she cant help my smile hard into my chest. I want those random little surprises of things that I tell her that like so she can make it come back in some form or fashion. I want her to realize that the world is full of problems but at the end of the day she knows that God has her back and that he is allowing me to either protect her or make sure to wipe the tears away and let her know that everything gets better in time. I want a woman who knows that I've been hurt in the past, hurt badly, and I want her to know how to make me trust again and that it will be worth it in the end. I want her to know how awesome 90's R&B songs are and how they will make the whole love making experience ten times better. I want her to watch sports with me & I want to watch all the stupid stuff she watches lol. I want to be able to play in her hair without consequence. I want to be able to head to work in the morning and smack her on the ass for a little extra motivation. I want her to be able to come around my friends and mingle with them with no problems because she knows that they will accept her as long as she keeps a smile on my face. I want her to be able to meet my family with no hesitation and I want to be able to look her father in the eye and say with no words "you can rest easy, she's in great hands now." I want her to know that there is no other woman out there that can even dream of doing 1/3 of what she does for me and to me. I want to walk by a group of super models with our fingers intertwined and they all get jealous because they see how much that we are together that we don't even notice them but our true task at hand. I want that smile. But most of all ..

I want a woman that's willing to become my best friend, so we can take a bunch of great & memorable times, and turn that into a forever.

ihatebonnieb.com Blog Review


When I usually go to read another blogger's blog, I typically look for some kind of substances. Now while most people think blogging is the "in thing" and it's just hey get up here and write something that sounds cool, it's not. Great bloggers usually blog great things because each post is an extension of themselves. Just like authors who pen great books do, or columnist in journals. Now usually people flock to blogs about breaking news in sporting entertainment and sports that highlight personal lives, which is no problem by any means because I have my own blogs that I do that with in regards to sports. My overall preference is to read blogs from regular people who have real life, relatable problems. That's why when I heard of this blog and it was put on my TL on twitter, it kind of caught my eye because of the attention that it was receiving from one of my followers. She subsequently tweeted two quotes that almost immediately peaked my interest.

Let's make this clear, great writing will catch a persons imagination almost immediately, anyone who tells you otherwise is pretty much lying to you. Now I don't just support any old thing or any old body. But guys let me tell you straight up, this is one of hell of an original blog about a young woman's struggle with love and the growing pains that come with it. ihatebonnieb.com has to be one of the best blogs out there. I'm not going to bore you to death about why I think it's good. I'm just going to give an intro to her latest blog from her site:

2:18pm 


I don't want it if I have to stalk it. I don't want it if I have to put it on a leash to keep it from running. I don't want to be the girlfriend who has to fight off women as if they were flies hovering around a basket of fruit. The words mine, me and I don't have a place in my vocabulary when describing the love I want to cultivate with the man of my dreams. I hate to be smothered. I'm a professional when it comes to distancing myself from friends, family and loved ones. Especially when I feel like I'm being caged.

Love isn't about possession. It never has been. It never will be (with me)


After I read that .. I had to sit back for a bit and think to myself. That intro, that first couple of lines took over my mind for a bit and I began to think. It took me to a place where I thought I was the only one who lived there, and the only person who believed existed. I have strong ideas on relationships and how people should act and think. In that one paragraph if you take the time to take it in and think about it, she really hit on the head the beauty, the pain and the hard work that it takes to be with a woman, and that ladies and gentlemen is accomplishment within itself. But like I said, don't take my word for it. Go support this young African American blogger who has been in the game for seven years, and go read a great blog because I did, and I'm impressed by the content, the originality and the heart she put in there. Til next time, check out my fellow bloggers along with this great one. Peace

Him, Her Or Us | The Blog About Best Friends


It's getting warm outside, because summer has finally come. So as of late there has been quite a bit of discussion about a topic that a lot of people feel strongly about. I would be lying to you good people if I said I didn't have an opinion in this like the rest of the world. But being the unbiased blogger that I have employed myself to be, I decided to interview real life people from various age ranges and genders to see their feeling on the matter. I actually found these interviews to be more in depth than I thought it would be. People really felt some kind of way about the subject. & that subject would be that of having best friends of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship.

The formula is pretty simple; I asked two different questions based on the fact that all friendships aren’t the same. So if things can be different then there are variations on the responses that could happen. But those questions that I posed to everyone were the same two questions. I'm going to start with question one because I feel like you should get one view and then get the harsher of the two views second.  But the first question was..

Question 1
| Let’s say you were in a committed relationship with someone you could see yourself settling down with for the long run .. What would be your stance on him having a best friend of the opposite sex .. Let’s say that he told you everything and they've only been friends and that he sees her as a sister literally .. What would be your honest feelings about that situation?

Now the responses to this were interesting, now of course you had your ones that said hell no, fuck that, I wouldn't care for it or even saying miss me with that shit lol. But what surprised me most was the fact that there weren't that many responses o that nature for this answer. I want to actually quote the ones that didn't seem too harsh on the subject.

My honest feelings about that is, as long as I know what type of relationship they had, I don’t care. I’m not intimated nor threaten if my man's best friend is a chick. I don’t care. I feel like as long as she don’t over step her boundaries and vice versa and its clear who cares? She was there as the friend before me, when we dating and even after if we break up. So I don’t have an issue because I have a lot of close male friends and I understand both sides - Jill

Well I guess you can say I'm SORT OF in that situation now.  Emphasis on the word sort of because you said someone you can see yourself settling down. Not there completely yet.... But we both have people we call best friends and they’re of the opposite sex. I've met him and she's talked to her. But before and after those encounters there had to be trust. Trust that there's only a friendship amongst them and nothing more. If the trust isn’t there, there's always going to be that inkling in the back of your mind wondering. - Ameer

If you feel it to be an issue then follow your first mind. Instead of bending backwards allowing it. That's an issue to me & I feel there should be some middle ground. If he really is cool then you all should be cool. There should be no issues. - Dannielle

If I'm with someone I see myself settling down with...I already knew he had this best friend off top so it wouldn't be an issue otherwise I would never see myself being with them in the first place. I mean I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex if that's really all they are and if I'm with someone that I feel I can spend the rest of my life with then I trust them and I take their word for it or I don't need to be with them anyway. And if you're real serious with someone there are things you wouldn't do anymore anyway so yeah that's his bf but he isn’t going and spending the night at her place or no crazy shit like that...double date or come over for dinner with her man or something like that sure lol. - Kiah

Hmmm well honestly if its somebody I'm looking at the long run with then it's somebody I trust if I had doubts about their relationship then we wouldn't be together anyways you should be able to trust your spouse no matter who the other person is male female whatever I've just done the trust issue thing and without that there's no relationship -Bryt

I'd have to believe him. If we've gotten that far then I should trust him and take him at his word. I'm not threatened or bothered by other females because there is only one me. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would. - Tesia

I wouldn't care. As long as boundaries aren’t crossed. You can't dictate who they are friends with. I don't know it’s kind of hard to say though. You can say in your mind how you feel about it. But I guess you would have to be put in that situation, because love makes you do crazy things (good and bad). I can say that I've been in situations where in my sound mind I wouldn't do. But I guess that's the 'power of love' - Joi

I personally don't feel me and women can be "just friends". Somewhere down the line regardless if it’s voiced or not someone is bound to get feelings. It wouldn't bother me as long as she played her position as friend and cause at the end of the day her allegiance is to him....not me. As long as no boundaries are crossed I'm good. Respects mine as his girlfriend/ potential wife. Me & her don't have to be friends be - Edwina

I don't think that's a problem...as long as there are boundaries and both people are honest about their feelings...I think the problem comes when a man or woman claims they are friends with someone but they have a sexual past...you don't have sex with your friends - Carol

Well hypothetically I wouldn't be too wild about it because I know how trifling some females are. But I'd trust him. At one point however, depending on the seriousness of our relationship, roles will switch. - Marlena

That shit is wack. If I'm going settle down with someone, I better be his one and only female best friend. I don't share any type of titles with another chick .... I know I had issues with that with my ex ... He had two female best friends. But when he and I got serious, I became his one and only. If it's strictly platonic, his "female best friends" would understand that you're the love of his life - Lily


Now as you can see from the quotes up above that based on your relationship, the trust level that you have in the person that you're with, & the history of the two individuals involved saying they're best friends then it would be acceptable on some level as long as boundaries and lines aren’t crossed at any time. But here's the trick question that I asked that changed the history of the two best friends in question a bit:

Question 2
| Now what if the situation was different. Let’s say they were dating for years & they had a very serious relationship & they broke up because they realized they were better friends than lovers .. Could you take them being best friends because they know each other inside and out literally?

Now while the first question fetched almost the same response, the second one didn't. There was kind of a split down the middle & even the ones that said they would still kind of allow it didn't sound too sure about allowing it either. Here are their answers:

Once again. She "my female BF" is someone that I use to date. My girlfriend seems on the outside to not let it get to her but when I'm like; "I was hanging with my best friend" she starts acting funny. So I get mixed signals from that.  So with that said I think that does affect things. You can't put SEX into any situation and it not cause issues.  Like I said someone is going to have that thought "damn they/we use to fuck" and it’s going to cause some type of issue. But then it all goes back to trust. Trust has to be that corner stone holding the foundation of the relationship up. If there's no trust going both ways it's destined to fail. That's one thing I can't do. That's why I don't cheat, because I wouldn't want her to cheat on me. Why did they need to cheat in the first place? Something wasn't right before... why does time mean things will work this time and they won't do it again. Nope. Do me dirty once you got me. You will never get the chance to do it again. I guess you can just say I've learned from life experiences.  But one must learn from their own mistakes in life. You have to follow your heart then. If there are doubts you have to prepare yourself for heart ache or happiness. I guess it can go either way until you’ve lived and learn. - Ameer

I can't tell him stop being friends with her if she isn't doing anything to sabotage the relationship I'm in with him. - Elisha

There is a fine line between love and control. If I love and trust him, then yes I would. - Tesia

Lol funny u should say that because that’s how it is with me and my two ex-boyfriends.....still doesn’t matter because I know if they wanted to be together they would and that’s in the past. For example. My 1st bf dated thought I was going marry him and ha it crumbled. Now I look at him as a really good friend and I NEVER WANT TO DATE HIM. But we have a good relationship. Now my other ex, that’s a diff story because we have an odd relationship. At the end of the day, as long as we honest and up front I have no reason to be salty or mad. It is what it is - Jill

So I feel like this about relationships nobody on the outside can affect what's going on the inside unless you let them and if you let them then you don't NEED to be in that relationship if you not whole and secure and built up in yourself then you don't need to be in a relationship if I'm worried about what you got going on with somebody else it's something I need to work on in me and it something really is going on then we need to be apart anyways I refuse to live my life worrying about what my mate is doing I can't be around 24/7 so I need to be able to know there's nothing going on In other words if they friends they friends as long as she isn’t disrespecting me which if he cared about me then he wouldn't allow that to happen and if he did then I'm gone. I'm telling you I be on to the next, I'm going to be with somebody I don't trust and don't trust me if I'm gone my whole thought process shouldn't be what is he doing while I'm gone no y'all not gone be having sleepovers or calling my house all night but that's part of the disrespect thing. - Bryt

While those individuals felt like they could trust their partner to some extent, the others we ‘rent so forgiving in their conclusions:

No. He'd have to cut her off unless he got a baby mama. Wtf ... No reason to be bff's - Lily

No lol I'm sure my guy wouldn't be comfortable if the tables were turned. There's just some things in a relationship that you have to alter for respect of your significant other, especially something minor like that If one person doesn't feel comfortable with the relationship you have with another sex ..Are you really going to give up your love life relationship for friend relationship? For me not worth losing my love Especially if you see marriage down the road Lol and if that person is really your friend they would totally understand . And if it was only a true friendship nothing else, they may try to gain the trust of the one who is weary. Like I said SO many factors in play - Tricia

HELL NAWL. That shit didn't work out for a reason. Now either he can get all the way over it and leave her alone for ever and ever. Or he can be single and try and figure that out. Ain't no way. - Joi

Nope lol...b/c that's going to cause a conflict at some point...anytime you and your significant other get into a disagreement you don't want then going to an ex for advice...you are opening a door for something inappropriate to happen...to me when you are in a relationship you don't put yourself in a situation where your relationship can potentially be disrespected and being best friends with someone you had a serious relationship with in the past just sounds like trouble...not saying you can't be cordial with them but like I said before there has to be boundaries - Carol

Ehhh...friends from a distance maybe lol hell honestly idk...I'd really have to think about that one. I mean I'm "friends" with one ex but it's on some happy birthday, how you doing type of ish every now and then...and soon that might not even happen lol Possibly....we'd def. have to talk about it...idk...don't think I'd want to be around someone who also been smashing my man and had a connection with him unless it was absolutely necessary such as a baby mother lol  - Kiah

No man that I'm serious about should have a best friend of the opposite sex. It'll never be appropriate unless they are truly blood related. Feelings can develop at any time by both parties. It's unacceptable for the person you go to vent and for advice to be someone of the opposite sex. I would never be okay with that. You're asking me about a female best friend that'll always be my answer no matter. Even if he has other friends. - Lacey


I actually have a very strong feeling on this subject, but as I was looking over the responses I read one that actually hit on the head how I felt about it. So to close this out I'm going to quote Jill, she pretty much says it all for me:

I don’t like drama period. I don’t have drama. I don’t have baggage or crazy ex-boyfriends. I just don’t have time for the pettiness. I’m too old for that. Some chicks don’t like it. Sometimes it’s a sense of in secureness and immaturity. If I’m taking care of home I shouldn’t be concerned about the next chick. Only time I need to is if she coming at me crazy or my man and if so he needs to check her. If u can’t handle the real world and having people that will or not be attracted to your significant other, then u don’t need to be in a relationship. Big difference from being attracted to actually being disrespectful.  In real life there will be certain types of people who can c how far they can get away with things. Lol. I’m just saying. Its common sense though. People will be attracted to your partner but it’s up to your partner on how they take it and just a level of respect. If I don’t want that happening to me then why in the heck do I want to do that? Yes. I’m very old school traditional. I don’t have time for mess. I’m straight forward. Nowadays people think it’s cool or sociably acceptable to be treated like crap, have a side piece, to have these flings or have these husband/wife privileges and we only been dating for 3 months. That mentality of trying it on first before I buy it hits relationships hard. No one wants do date or be committed anymore. Everyone is scared to get hurt or since they can’t predict the future they just don’t want to bother with it. - Jill 

 Well guys that concludes this blog entry, til next time.

Relationships .. The Lost Cause?



Oh how it feels good to be back. I've been gone from the blog scene due to various obligations such as The United States Army & trying not to fuck someone up around here for their racist antics, but like usual, they can't hold me down lol. But since I'm on the brink of my getting out of the uniform service, I figured I should give you guys something new til I return to full form after my full discharge.

Now I would've made this Rants & Raves VII but I figured that you guys deserved my A++ game when I post one of those, So I'll hold off til I get ample time to sit and think and put it together in a more tasteful manner. But there's one thing that bothers me now a days, & that's the value of a relationship. Too many times I've heard recently "It's ok .. It doesn't mean anything if you're not married". Now this is the part where I get confused. You mean to tell me it's ok to go out and lie & cheat on someone you're dating just because you guys aren't married. Now that is something that I can't wrap my finger or my mind around because I thought the whole reason for being in a relationship and dating someone was for the purpose of potentially marrying them.

Now I understand in the beginning when you're getting to know them and you aren't too sure if you guys are going to make it to the next day because you're walking around on egg shells essentially because you guys are in the getting to know phase. But after you make that conscience decision to say "hey, I think this person might be worth it in the long run", You should not have a feeling of wanting to cheat while you're with that person. You slowly but surely let loose of all those loose ends that weren't really relationship potential because if they were .. You'd be dating them right now rather than the person you're with at the current moment, then you engage in being fully invested in getting to know them.

But as I stated before more than one person has pointed out to me that if you aren't married to that person, then you aren't obligated to be faithful. I find that a shame because to me, the foundation of your marriage comes from a strong friendship and a partnership that is developed over time after being with that individual. You shouldn't want to cheat and lie to that person anyways, because to me if you do, then you don't belong together anyways. If things get hard and you want to run away, then you don't belong together with that person. If you can't openly express yourself to that person and they at least try to understand where you come from, then you don't belong with that person.

At some point you give up certain things you use to do when you were single so that you can  build a better relationship with that other person. I wrote a blog almost three years ago about things that you should give up when you're working on a relationship with someone. just some basic things that you should want to do when you get with someone you could potentially see yourself with in the future.

Here's that list to jog  your memory ..

1. Stop conversing with people you talked to, dated, fucked, or even looked at with interest. | Face it, what good can come from this, like really, what could possibly come out of a person that you use to mess around with. Friends or no friends, whether they're cool or they're not. The person you're in a relationship with will always have a problem with them as long as they're around. Just stop it for Pete's sake!

2. Clubbing, Drinking, & anything else.
| You should come to the realization that none of these things apply to you anymore. Like OK seriously, what's the point of going out to the club with your friends. That's only going to cause more awkward tension when you go back and say, "Oh well I was with my friends at the club a little buzzed & I danced with this one guy like three times, blah blah blah." give it a rest. If you're really serious about your significant other. Then you know it's time to hang the club attire up.

3. Texting & Phone Calls
| This goes along the lines of number one. Like seriously, anybody that calls or texts you after 11:30 talking about "What's up?" needs to be put in their places immediately. Like what in the blue hell do you think someone wants at that time of the night, everybody is already in a club somewhere, so they're not calling about that. & they're definitely not calling to talk about homework. Come to your senses, they're not good for the health of your relationship.

4. The Meetings
| There will be a serious of meetings of friends of the person you're involved with. Just try to be studious and do all the things that you did when you met and attracted the person that you talked to, cause nine times out of ten, the person you talk to, their friends are just like them in some kind of way, so they would probably be the same person a sense.

5. Break bad habits
| Oh geez, this a relationship killer. If you don't know how to move past the bad things that held you back from previous relationships progressing, then you're basically screwed. Cause how can you move forward if you're doing the same thing from the past?

Now as I re-read that list & thought if any of it made sense to my 26 year old self, because I wrote it when I was 23, and the only thing I can debate about is #2 because I found out different levels of clubbing, you can go to kick backs and nice bars, but other than that, if you're over the age of 24, then you shouldn't be face down and ass up in the middle of any club and expect someone to take you serious.

I find it odd how people can say, it's OK because you're not married. That just an gate way conversation for when you get up there in some years of marriage and the other person decides to tell you that they just sucked 12 dicks and kissed you on the mouth or ate whole bunch of ass and decided to tongue your throat down. We as a society need to do better when it comes to relationships, because too many failed relationships these days involve kids and if you take the time to work on your problems now, then maybe later you won't have anything to work out besides what restaurants to eat or where to retire.

But hey, this is strictly my opinion, if you feel different, feel free to share. Because I know some dumb ass is going to try and dispute this just because they want to be difficult lol