Like A Star | H.E.R., Part II


I stood in the shower for about a good 45 minutes trying to decide if I wanted to write this or not. I was leaning heavily towards the no because of the amount of personal & emotional content that it would include. THEN I realized that if I didn't write this, then I couldn't call myself a blogger. To me, the truly great bloggers separate themselves from the rest of the pact by being able to articulate a point they are passionate about, by using personal experiences. That's why I think a lot of my blogs are received fairly well. I try to avoid putting too much of my life out there because I'm one of those people that believe in a high level of privacy. Some things people just shouldn't know. But I'm going to step out of my box to write this one, so as cliché as this is going to sound, this will be the "realest blog I ever wrote".
 
For most of my life I pretty much did what I wanted to. I didn't really take too many things seriously. I was pretty nonchalant about a lot of things, and when I felt like a major change was needed, I did it without hesitation. That's just how I operated. I tended to take the way that I wanted to take because that's the way that made me happiest, and I don't like people telling me what to do anyways. When it was time to move on from something or let someone go, I did without hesitation or fear of repercussion. I understand how life works for the most part, you live and die, with those moments in between being precious. But in the same breath, you have to practice some sense of caution because you don't want to just make rash decisions that could mess your life up. Lately, I haven't been holding true to myself, to be completely honest, I haven't been making those kind of decisions like I should have since 2010.

When I joined the Army, my life kind of stopped. It wasn't a situation where I could move around like I wanted too, I was pretty much handcuffed to my job the first year, then the second year I spent in Iraq, then half of the third year was spent handcuffed again. I wasn't happy at all. There was no family, there were no friends, there were no relationships that could be sustained, it was just work.  I missed out on so many things while I was in the military. That's my main reason for getting out. I want a wife, I want kids, I want that home I can come to at the end of the day and be happy in. I knew for a fact that I couldn't do that in the military. I didn't want to be bouncing all over the place. That's my goal in life, to have a family I can provide for in every sense and have a home that is ours. But things didn't work out like that when I left Fort Bragg.

I went through a bad break up, well let's call it what it was, it was pretty shitty. I didn't want to be bothered for months, I didn't feel like anyone that came across my path was worth a damn & I didn't rest on my laurels from past relationships. So I did the only thing plausible to me, I started hanging out with myself alone. I was happy, for a time. Then like any other phase of life the loneliness started setting in, so I started doing things to keep my mind off of things and what not. And for the record, it's really annoying when friends try to continuously hook you up when you don't want to be bothered. I know they care and have good intentions, but naw, just stop. You just make us not want to be with someone even more.

I never really celebrated my birthday, you know the whole fireworks and popcorn that most people do to feel special. I mean as a kid when you have three brothers and you're the second oldest, birthday parties or things like that tend to become a thing of the past. But last November I decided that it was going to be the year that I did something special and big for myself. I had it all planned out, to the T. Then I was on my way back, tired and just wanted to die, for the record, driving on three hours of sleep from NY is not the move. But none the less, I was on my way back and I was talking to this very nice young lady that I was getting to know, and she called me and we talked and I didn't even notice that it was midnight while talking to her, and she told me happy birthday, I was so into that conversation and for the first time in a really, really, really, really, really, really long time,  I connected with someone. So I asked if she could spend later that day with me on a date, and at that dinner, I didn't even know it was possible to be honest, but I fell in love just by looking into her eyes. Ever since then, I loved her more and more everyday. Every single day.

Now we broke up, for reasons I tell everyone the same, I messed up. I didn't hold up my end of the relationship and she did what she was suppose to, and that was leave. I do not blame her one single bit. I actually thank her for doing that because without her doing that then I would've never came to my senses. I wouldn't have sought help and I would've never would've calmed down. But the thing is that it just sucks you know, to have someone you would do anything and everything for, and you can't be with them. I do believe in the old adage, "if it was meant to be, then it'll come back". But sometimes that whole time in between, just sucks. Then other factors play a part in the distance becoming greater. I don't know God's plan's for me, but this is one of those things that really sucks to deal with because it could have been handled better, not avoided, but handled better. I'm glad it happen from the stand point that I grew up in the process of it all. That's what you should aim for, something that makes you better. And she did that, she made me better, every single day.

I was asked what is love to me. Not what is the definition, not what I think it is, but a time in my life when I was just completely happy where I was at, and who I was with. I actually had to think about that, and I actually thought about all my exes and I thought about all the women I thought I loved, and it all came back to her. It was a random day sometime I think about two months into things and we were laying in bed, and she was laying on my arm and the sun was shining. I don't know why we were laying there or why we had time to do so, but we were. & her smile was just the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen in my life, and just everything about that moment I not only remember, I still feel it. Those are things that I miss late at night and early in the mornings. Just learning how to deal with this process and move forward with my everyday life is a challenge, but I put my faith in the good Lord, so I know I can do it.

I just miss her, and missing her isn't really that bad.
It's the learning to deal with it that's the hard part.

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