Even A Good Man Has Bad Times ..

There's no cool quote to match the blog topic, there is no witty title. I wrote this blog unedited, I didn't go back and edited it, this all came straight from the heart, in the middle of the night, and is intended to be as genuine as possible. 

This is probably one of the harder blogs for me to write because it has to deal with my real life and issues that I come across from the very people that I know. I try not to go into much detail about the people per say but the events rather that upset me. This time around the event, or person I should say, is me. For the first time in a long time I am thoroughly upset with myself for messing something up that I wanted. Usually people don't change unless they are forced to change. They aren't compelled to do something drastic in their life until something they really, really, really want threatens to leave them, or actually does. In my case, something that I really wanted, left me because I was being stupid. That's all I can say, I was being stupid, I was worried about all the wrong things and in turn that came back to bite me in the ass, and I'm feeling the effects of it.

I'm still a relatively private person and I'm not going to share the exacts of my personal relationships with anyone like that, but I read this blog over at Odd Crunch's Words From A Divorced Man & it was about a guy named Gerald Rogers who was divorced after 16 years of marriage. He came up with a list of things he wished he knew before he got married, because he lost a woman that he loved very dearly. The list is as follows:

1. Never stop courting. | Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love

2. PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. | Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. | You will constantly change. You're not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don't take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. | Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can't help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER! | Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it's what you wanted or not.

6. TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions. | It's not your wife's job to make you happy, and she CAN'T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her. | It is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them... when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to JUST BE. | When she's sad or upset, it's not your job to fix it, it's your job to HOLD HER and let her know it's ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she's important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you... DON'T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE'S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren't going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. BE SILLY. | Don't take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY. | Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. BE PRESENT. | Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY. | To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. DON'T BE AN IDIOT. | And don't be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You're not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. GIVE HER SPACE. | The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing... (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. BE VULNERABLE. | You don't have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. | If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING... Especially those things you don't want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK... If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER. | The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. |  Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY. | and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don't let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

I read this right after my break up, like a day after, and I just kept reading the list over and over and over again. Now its about two weeks after my break up and I'm still in awe of this list because this is exactly all of the things I've should've done. I'm not scared to admit that I messed up, that I failed. That's life, people make mistakes everyday, people have bad days, but it's what you learn from those days & failings that make you who you are. Whether I get back with her or I don't, these are things I tell myself that I have to remember when I'm dealing with a woman that I love. While these things are being applied to marriage, I look at it in terms of doing this type of stuff from day one, because that's what separates the love from the lust, the hope from the delusion, the future pain from the future happiness. I realize now that it's my duty as a man to give a woman something to love, no matter how hard times get. I'm learning the hard way right now, the very hard way, and that's perfectly ok with me. I made the mistake, and I have to pay for it. I'm just steering my life back to the point where God can bless me with the opportunity to succeed in this situation should it arise again.

But if you're in a relationship or marriage right now, I implore you to think about this list and take into account some, if not all, of the things on here. It could prove to be helpful to you before its too late.
  1. I like it. Very honest. I could feel the emotion in it. I had actually read that list that you were referring to

    I agree with some of the stuff on the list- but definitely not all. I feel like the man that wrote it wrote it while he was still blaming his self for the break up. I would be interested to see the same topic written by him again- 6 months down the road (probably longer since he was married for a long time)...While you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness & how you react, you're partner has a strong impact on you & they are not always innocent.

    Sometimes they are, but sometimes they aren't & you don't see that until after you stop blaming yourself (not you specifically, but the writer of that list). You love & you learn...hopefully :) great post!


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