You're only given a little spark of madness.
You mustn't lose it.
You mustn't lose it.
- Robin Williams
I had
an interesting talk today with someone I consider my elder today. Recently I've
come to the realization, with the help of therapy, that I'm not really acting
like myself. I mean for the longest people who really know me have said it to me
numerous times when I came around to hang out. I never really understood what
that meant, because in my mind I just thought I grew out of things, and simply
just calmed down. But as I looked deeper within myself the past couple of weeks,
I actually see what they are saying. I am a man who prides himself on having a
great mental prowess about himself, meaning I understood that 95% of the battle
is all in the way we think things are, therefore I was able to will myself
through a lot of situations and have an better understanding of things.
I just
wanted to state this before I said it, I never down talked the Army in any
capacity, I was warned ahead of time the nature of the beast and what I was
getting myself into, but I chose that lifestyle because it's something that I
wanted to do for personal reasons, so with that said, I have no ill will or
malice towards it. But I seriously think that the whole lifestyle you have to
live wasn't suited for me, and with me telling myself that I would play the dog
and pony show, I never really got my mind out of that fall in line, don't think
more than you have to lifestyle. I mean there were flashes in the pan that I had
and people were surprised by what I knew, but more times than none I just kept
my mouth closed because I didn't want to seem smarter or give the impression
that I knew more than those in charge of me. Because let's face it, at the end
of the day, people are pretty petty when they see you as a threat, and I was
just there til the end of my contract and it was never that serious for me.
But
with the fact that there were plenty of situations that made me frustrated and I
couldn't do anything about it but ride my contract out, I became stressed and
the fact that I worked 24/7 most of the time and never really got to spend time
with people that I actually liked and loved I was a little on the depressed
side. Especially after going to Iraq, but that's a situation I'd rather never
talk about in my life. But when I got out, I realized that there were things
that I didn't really enjoy anymore, I kind of just didn't want to be bothered by
most, so I became kind of closed off, and to myself. For a good eight months
after I got out, I was just doing my own thing. Going to movies, eating at Chic-Fil-A,
just walking around stores by myself, I just needed the me time to recollect
myself. For the most part I thought I got it together, I thought I had it in
check. So I decided to branch out and be social again. I went out a couple times
to the club and realized that it's not my scene anymore. I think that I went to
the couple a handful times since then and I think it's only when I went to the
thirty and up club that I actually enjoyed myself because it was about the music
and the people that I was with, even though I'm not 30 lol.
Fast
forward through the rest of the year and to April and it was then that I
realized that I couldn't do it by myself, I just couldn't. I realized that
mental prowess that I once had, was all but gone, and that in order to get it
back, I needed help to get back to that level. I will say that I thank my ex for
talking about the importance of seeking help, especially with me being an
African-American male. I just want to say, people who have had bad experiences
with therapy should try going back again, because it's like anything in life, if
you don't have the right therapist that can make themselves feel relatable to
your specific life, then it won't be a great experience. I've been fortunate
enough to have two different ones, the first being a graduate student, that
really related to who I am as a person. It also helped that they were
African-American women. But the latter of whom I'm seeing now is quite possibly
the perfect fit. She's unconventional, uses crass language, and genuinely cares
about her patients. I have to say she's the most wittiest person I know, and
she's constantly challenging me to be a better man, a better human being.
I was
looking for a Robin Williams picture to go along with the quote above and I
actually saw this gif and thought it fit perfectly with the realization that I
came to when I was in therapy. When my close friends tell me that I've changed,
I automatically realized that the main thing they are referring to is my
confidence. I realized at a young age that I could do anything I wanted to in
the world. I knew it didn't matter how smart you had to be, how tall you had to
be, or how many people you had to know, I just knew I could do it. That's why a
lot of my close friendships have stood the test of time, because I was confident
in them. I was confident in myself enough to lead most situations and give great
advice. I don't give advice based off of what I think I knew, but off the
situations that have occurred to me or other people, basically I learned and
adapted. And my therapist explain those are the kind of people that other people
follow, those are the kind of people that people want to see in front of them in
pressure situations. To this day it still amazes me that one of my former
coworkers in the Army looked me in the face and said, "if I had to go into
a combat situation, I would follow your lead 10 times out of 10 because I know
you'll have my best interest at heart before your own". Things like that
genuinely surprise me because I don't act on doing things because they're for my
own gain, I just do it because it's, right.
And
that's part of the conversation that I had with my elder today, he reminded me
that back in the day, no man was perfect by any long shot, we all had our
demons. Sure you have those guys that made far less mistakes than everyone
else because they learned from other people's troubles. But at the end of the
day, you put on one pants leg just like I do, so there's nothing that you can do
or I can do better than anyone else, it's just how much thought someone is
willing to put into it. He said that one of the mistakes that people make
nowadays because of the times is that everyone thinks that they have to have
their life in a certain order or level, or that they will one day have it
together. He said that's like trying to make the perfect circle, yea you may get
there 80% of the way or even 99%, but you'll never be 100%, because life isn't
about having 100%, it's about being 99% and appreciating that imperfect 1% for
making you have the insight to appreciate that 99% a little more.
I'm
going to get into that conversation with my elder in a later blog, but after
having that talk, I appreciate my therapist that much more. She didn't sit me
down on the couch and let me talk all my problems out and then gave me a cookie
and said "awe it will be alright, here's how to make everything better". My
therapist literally ripped me apart. She dissected all of my actions, my history
and shit just critiqued me like no other. She literally showed me every single
thing that I've done wrong in my life. At one point I was really considering not
going back. I was open, I told her all of my fears, concerns and worries, and
she just destroyed me. I was actually in my feelings after every session for two
months, for two months I came home, turned on slow jams while I was taking a
shower, sang my heart out to the point of tears. I mean if you look on my
iTunes, Please Don't Go, Someone To Love, Wish U Were Here & Just Give Me
A Reason are all my top songs played. But something in me told me to
keep going, keep going back and listen to what she had to say.
Then
she tore me apart some more, until last week. Last week was the day she sat me
down, and said to me, "For weeks you've been coming, for weeks I've been
giving you hell and I didn't let up on you one bit. You kept coming back time
and time again because you wanted to be a better person, you didn't see it that
way, but I did. With most of my patients they need some sort of direction, they
need to be led somewhere, not you. You wanted to know how to fix yourself so you
can be better son, brother, uncle, friend, boyfriend, one day a better husband
and father. That to me is the easiest person to help get back on their feet
because you know what life is about, you've just lost your way and need help
back on the path". Robin Williams once said:
"I
used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The
worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." - Robin
Williams
To be
honest, I felt that way for the last four years and I didn't realize it til I
sat and talked to someone who broke it down and make me realize how faulty my
mentality was. It wasn't til I lost someone, who I for the first time in my life
cared for more than myself, that I realized that I needed help being me again,
and it has paid off tremendously. The returns on how better I'm feeling about
myself now is feeling great. I'm not there fully and I haven't quit therapy, but
everyday is better than the day before, and I'm slowly regaining who I was when
I was legit happy and didn't worry about much. All of this thanks to my ex who
pushed therapy, my therapist who pushed me and most importantly God who
continues to push me towards the man who he wants me to be.
Side
note before I go, I realize that my blogs are getting longer in terms of writing,
I know this and I'm glad because I'm able to go into more detail about things
that I normally wouldn't write about, but I realized that someone out there
might click on my link and see that there's someone going through the same thing
or worse than them and that there is hope for them to turn it around in their
own personal life. I'll admit being open like this is new for me, I also feel
like bloggers have to be completely immersed with their writing to gain those
special connections between them and the readers, and that's all I'm trying to
do. Until next time.
"What's right is what's left if you do everything else
wrong." - Robin Williams
Post a Comment