Suicidal Thoughts

See the lord adore me,
He met me half way,
'No guts, no glory' I always say.
So until I reach what I came here to find,
Along with inner peace, life will always be a grind.
- Kid Cudi  

Yes, I contemplated suicide at one point in my life. 

One of my favorite artists by the name of Kid Cudi checked himself into rehab for depression and suicidal thoughts. First and foremost I'm proud of him for addressing situations that have been in his life since forever. His music relied heavily on it, (as he used it as his source of inspiration), and he's created some masterpieces. But just like all genius level talent, he was bound to hit the proverbial brick wall. That's what happens to every single person with unresolved mental health issues, we eventually hit the wall and crash. That's what happened to me, I hit that same wall and everything that I loved turned to dust when I touched it. It wasn't everything and everyone was out to get me, it was simply because the issues that I swept under the rug for so many years came to a head when I was finally hitting my stride and becoming happy with myself. That may sound strange to some people but when you get to a certain point in life where things are going smooth, you start having these thoughts that doubt the validity of it all. And that's where you start to lose yourself to those demons that you've hid away for so long.

Most people who don't suffer from any form of mental illness will just sit there and wonder while reading this "well why didn't you just focus on all of the good things you had going on in your life?" or just question the seriousness of all the negative thoughts plaguing ones mind. But those same people don't understand what it's like to be broken down so much that you get to this level of life where you just expect negative things to always happen because that's what that person is use to. Life is all about how you've lived it and perceive it based on those same life lessons. A person who typically is treated well and has no idea what it's like to be abused mentally, physically or both won't understand a person who's been locked away in a closet for most of their lives. That's why so many African American families struggle because there are so many traditions and customs that were built on being mentally degrading to us. 

And one custom that almost destroyed me came in form of one line: "suck it up and move on". 

When I heard those lines echoed to me every single day, it became instilled in my brain that men aren't supposed to be mentally weak or show any kind of weakness period. That in turn ruined so many relationships with so many people because I didn't allow myself that room to understand people and their emotions and where they were coming from. It was either you were with the program or you were out of it, plain and simple. It was like that for YEARS before I came across one ex-girlfriend who recognized that after having a very open conversation about how I viewed relationships and people in general. It was at that point I realized that I need to get it together and actually start interacting with people on the personal level that friendships are intended to be. And let me tell you, I struggled a couple of more years after that because I didn't understand why people did half of the dumb things that they did. When my life started bottoming out I did the one thing no one should ever do, I made the rash decision to join the military.

Now while I contribute the Army as the driving force for me getting my act semi together, it really tore me down to the point where I wanted to kill myself. That is the first time I've ever admitted that outside of the army, no one knows that. It wasn't that the Army was a place that treated me bad because I knew what time it was when I signed on the dotted line, it was just the fact that I had so much time to live within my thoughts and really think on my life. People who've known me way before the Army knew me as this happy go lucky and cheerful skinny guy, who didn't have a care in the world. When I came back home from Iraq though I was this hulking mass of a mean human that didn't want anything to do with anyone. Shortly before I left for Iraq I was in place where I honestly wanted to kill myself. I'm not talking just thoughts or wishes, I went as far as planning the whole thing and visualizing how people reacted at my funeral when I was gone. 

Thinking about killing myself was the lowest moment in my whole entire life. 

The funny thing about that though was the fact that I didn't think anything was wrong with it. I just chalked it up to living within my own mind and not actually going to go through with it. Once I had that whole scenario in my head, it played continuously and non-stop my whole entire time in the military. Coupled with the fact that I worked so much that I developed insomnia, the only thing that would help me get through the night was if I ate so much that I would force my body to shut down and fall asleep til the next morning. That worked at first but it didn't last for that long; and with it not lasting that long, I ate more and more. Then came the alcohol where I drank way more than people realize or even know. Then came the prescription pills that started abusing heavily when I was deployed and when I came back. All of this led to me being anti-social and reserved. I didn't want the people who I knew loved and care for me see me in the state that I was in. My life was a mess and I was spiraling downwards toward death; I honestly wanted to kill myself but I was too coward to do anything about it.

Then I grasped on the notion that I needed to get away from the Army and that it was the source of all my problems. While it contributed to it greatly, it was barely the source of any of my problems mentally. But when I left I made all of these vows and promises that I was going to do this, that and the fourth. But when I got out, I still struggled and I still found myself in some pretty terrible situations. But as a lot of people in my personal life know, (and people who read my blog), I met this pretty fantastic young lady who happened to be well versed in mental health awareness. I really liked her, she really changed my life for the better during the short amount of time she was in it. But she really pushed for change and I didn't actually participate in it until it was too late for her and I anymore. I eventually went into therapy and honestly it was the best thing that I've could have done for myself at that point. Therapy really changed the way I looked at things and how I operated. 

Yes I just quoted one of my old blog posts here lol; but it's still true to this day. I suffer from depression and anxiety and no one close to me knows this fact outright. I don't really want to talk about it either honestly because it makes me feel weird to talk about past situations that I don't deal with anymore. I mean mental health isn't something that can be cured, and I do struggle with these thoughts from time to time, I feel as though I'm moving in a better direction and pace than I was before. Folks don't like to have productive conversations about things like this, they just want to know and judge you because they either don't go through it themselves or they don't want to face their own problems. Either way I don't want to deal with those people for that simple fact. I'd rather have my same support system and keep going to therapy where I know I'll have productive talks and practices catered to my situation and not what someone else thinks I should be doing.

And that's the point of all of this, there will be people in your life, (talking to you person struggling with mental health), that will say you need to do all of these things that do not help you. They will tell you that you have to man up or you have to hide it as to not bring any negative attention to yourself or anyone dealing with you. That's just the way the world is setup, everyone wants to act like nothing bad is happening when in fact the world is burning down around them. They never want you to take care of yourself until it's too late, then all of those questions of why you didn't take care of yourself before this happened. Well to you I'll say forget all of them and what they're saying and go get the help you need. All of us won't need the same help as the next person, it depends on what's been going on in your life and how you've been copping with it. Do yourself the favor and better yourself so that your days can turn around and you can live a happier life for YOU. 

Because at the end of the day it's your mind and your mind alone that matters, no one else is going to take care of it like you can and will.

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