H.E.R., Part V | The Ex-Factor

We look for love, no time for tears
Wasted waters all that is
And it don't make no flowers grow
Good things might come to those who wait
Not to those who wait too late
We got to go for all we know
- Bill Withers

I miss my ex.

Usually by this point in the process, I'm good. I don't have any hard feelings or regrets, I move on with my life. That's just what it is. But this is just, different, for so many reasons. Before I start saying anything about this topic, I want to start with my friends. Well not just my friends either, but like the people that follow me on Instagram, twitter, Facebook & my blog. Every single person on those sites know how I legit feel about her. The pictures were enough, people who know me & my struggles in the past with women were legit happy for me, some a little salty, but most were happy for me. I never showed off a relationship like that before, ever. I never posted that many pictures, I never wrote any status' like that, I really never put it on my blog like that either. I sure as hell didn't bring any of them around all of my friends like that either, seeing as how I guard them so close to my chest. So when they noticed I wasn't in it, it wasn't an "awe I'm sorry to hear that" but more so a, "what the hell are you going to do to fix it?" People legit just wanted to see me happy & be happy with her. And those same people say to me "it's never too late when two people love each other like you guys do". So many people giving positive encouragement, that's always a good feeling to have.

But to be honest about the whole situation, well actually I'm not going to say too much about it because it's a private matter, I'll simply admit that it's all my fault because I was acting stupid as hell. I grew into such a negative way in regards of how I dealt with relationships ending that I didn't take it for what it was, but for how I thought it was. I made big deals out of situations that weren't even there, purely out of fear of losing her. I lashed out at the only person that understood what I was going through and I did it in such a nasty way. I did the one thing that I said I wouldn't do when I looked her in her face and promised her, and that's hurt her heart. I didn't see at the time, I was just in a whole self pity party coupled with her reverting back to her natural defenses & not giving a shit. It was just bad all around. So after fully driving her away, I decided to do what was best for me, retooling & rebuilding myself to be the better person that I knew I could be.

Somewhere between 2009 & 2013 I was a lost, hurt, angry & prideful individual, none of which were good. I knew that, always knew I was that kind of person, but that person was needed because of the nature of the military. Which by the way I had a lot angst towards and I didn't even realize it. What I did realize was that in order to better myself, I needed therapy. Upon running the thought by a couple people that I trusted, I went in. I'm still there now, and I can honestly say that I needed it. It balanced me out something serious & calmed my mind. She literally took me, tore me apart, bit by bit, showed me all the stuff that I didn't realize were bringing me anxiety, stress & frequent panic attacks. I actually tried to substitute the feeling of pain with a lot drinking. I drank a lot more than I let on. But none the less I tried to use alcohol to numb the pain. Which was crazy because I didn't think I was. I called it trying to have a good time & forget about it, my therapist politely called it forcing happiness and that it would never work. After hearing that I cut my drinking just to social occasions on the weekend. But after she went through and showed me all of that, she showed me who I didn't need to be. She showed me not just her, but other people's point of view that I've been so harsh against in my life and just made me realize that I had the wrong mindset for so long.

But I've been working through it. I really wanted to call her and tell her how I felt about the last six months, but I'm glad it didn't work out that way because I would've been too much of a nervous wreck. Sending that text message took a lot in me because I didn't want to disturb her happiness that she's trying to regain. I just wanted to fade off into the black and let her get back to her level of life. But my therapist kept insisting that I don't leave feelings on the table, it's better to know, than to not know. The friends that have met her and had conversations with her ask me everyday about her because they like her. That's really important to me because those same friends know about my deepest pains, so they appreciate her more than I do.

Today I thought I was fine, I was just out, telling people how I felt, and what I was and wasn't going to do. I was just so angry and frustrated, I went into an emergency session and I was just telling my therapist all of these things about her and how I didn't understand, then my therapist pulled out the big guns on me & posed a fairly simple question for me:

"What would you do if you saw her right now?"

Then I just thought about all these great speeches I would give that would win her heart back or just all of these situations where it would play out perfectly, you know, some type of deal that you would see in the movies. But I quickly snapped back to reality & realize I'd probably just hug her man. That's what I always did, whenever I felt frustrated or she felt frustrated, I'd just sit on the edge of the bed & wait for her to come back into the room and I would wrap my arms around her waist and bury my face into her stomach. I'd take a deep breath & she'd rub the back of my head & I would feel better, then I would sit her on my lap and give her a bunch of kisses, and she would feel better. I miss that, I miss those kind of things we did. It's not the big moments that I think back on, it's the moments when it's just us two, when we're doing nothing, and then we suddenly do something stupid. When I think of the 99% good the relationship was compared to the 1%, I just feel some kind of way. It's not just a matter of calling and expecting things to pick back up to where they were, I as a man want to be a certain level before I even attempt to say anything to her. It's not a matter of fixing a relationship, it's fixing a friendship. Because at the end of the day, that was my best friend because she understood me the most out of anyone on this planet.

Even though she's not really the emotional type, or says a lot of deep stuff like I can, I just know deep down she loves me & thinks the world of me, and she knows there's nothing I wouldn't do for her & I mean nothing I wouldn't do for her. Every time I looked into her eyes, I saw that diamond shining that you hear your grandfather talk about when he met your grandma, and when a man looks at a woman & sees forever in her, he has to be ready to lead her to that forever. & right now I just can't lead her. That's the one thing that hurts the most, not being able to do something that you want to do the most in the world. But God has made all of this exactly the way he wanted to make it. I've definitely learned a lot in the last six months about myself not only in regards to her and other relationships with people that have, but just about me and my state of mind.

So right now I'm getting myself together for me. That's who's important at the end of the day right now, I have to be in that happy place before I can do anything in life, because without that, then nothing will work. I'm just really trusting into God with this process right now as I continue to push forward. She is definitely my motivation to do right though, hopefully I'll have that chance with her again that I want, to prove to her I can do it right. So for right now I'll listen to Jon B.'s Someone To Love & continue to practice hope, patience & perseverance. Because at the end of the day, I believe I can love her the way she needs to be loved.

*Note: This is an old blog that I was asked to release because it's the last part of the series and people were requesting this, so I released it. I wrote  this literally a year ago, time has passed and I have moved on, but this blog is still relevant, enjoy.*
  1. I appreciated your openness and transparency. You may just be giving someone the courage they need to express themselves and be vulnerable. Both are valuable and difficult to do. Keep writing & sharing. God bless!


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