Behind Closed Doors

Slip out the back before they know you were there,
& at the worst you'll see nobody cares.
Cause you don't wanna be around when it all goes down,
Even heroes know when to be scared.
- Mike Shinoda

Living with depression is a daily struggle that most will never understand. When I was originally diagnosed with it, I couldn't believe that I had it for a long time; I probably would call myself being in denial the whole time as well. But coming to terms with having depression allows me to face a lot of truths and realities about my life that I always put off or never faced because I knew the level of anxiety and pain that came along with it. For years I fought with myself to be normal, and by normal I mean live like I don't have any problems, and largely not show any of the pain that was in the back of my mind.

I wanted to be happy and I wanted to enjoy life as I see so many other people do, but that never really clicked for me. There are always lingering thoughts in my mind about people and situations and how things could be different if those people put themselves last instead of first. I know that sounds kind of crazy, but I think when it comes to dealing with people you love, you have to be selfless, that's what love is to me, but apparently that's only for me. So with that understanding and dealing with that, I tend to spend a lot of time alone, secluded from everyone and I just work on hobbies and my website.

When I think of myself, I see the burden bearer, someone who has to always do the things that other people won't do because they don't know, in large, how to be unselfish. And if I didn't do a lot of the things that I do, a lot of people wouldn't be my friends because they don't know how to actually be a friend. It wasn't til I hit about 25 that I realized that those same people weren't of any value, and I ditched them, fast forward four years later, I'm still ditching people and that makes me kind of sad at times. I was always that person that grew up, emotionally, faster than other people, so I understood a lot of people and their ways before they even came close to understanding me.

I've always gotten the compliments of being a great husband or father in the future, but that was very tiring. It was tiring because at time I've always had to be the one who had the great head on their shoulders and always the mature one about situations. I mean that's not a bad thing seeing as how I dislike drama to the T, but sometimes I wish I wasn't that person who always had the answers. Sometimes I just wanted to be one of the guys who people didn't expect to know better and was allowed to be young and carefree. I was never afforded that luxury, it was always me "knowing better" or being the one with "common sense". That's why I kind of just fall to the wayside these days and just retreat into seclusion because as everyone gets older and marriages with babies come about, the more I become detached.

I know one day I want to get married, I know one day that I want to have children, but I'm simply not there yet. I know there's nothing wrong with that in any sense because you never want to rush into something that you're not ready for, but with getting older always comes change. My friends are getting married, and they are having children, starting families, my family members are getting older and so the added pressure of having kids and getting married to fit into other folk’s timelines will always be the topic of discussion.

That's where all of the disconnect lies, between them & me simply not being ready.

I don't want to settle down and I don't want kids at this point of my life, I want to be free. I'm not knocking people that do, but my mind’s eye is shifted towards the wonders of the world. I feel like that will be my way of getting better and putting depression behind me, but sometimes I just sink into the hole and I beat myself up for not being around more and for not making a better effort to be a better friend and family member. That and in combination of it being hard to do what I want to do where I want to do it, but that's another topic for another day. But some days I just feel like it's best to just move around the way that I move around best, and that's quietly and effectively.

I realized that I'm not that person that really stays around one place for too long and do the same things every single day, I don't know where I get that from, but that's just something that's always in me. While reading this, I realized that the best thing that I could do for me in terms of dealing with depression is to actually just up and leave like I always do and just go experience the world. My depression extends from the lack of people in my life understanding the importance of things I want to do. It always met with some backlash to some degree, but there are those that do understand, so in order to save my sanity, I must gravitate towards them more, and do me the most.

I always say that life is fluid like water, sometimes you have to go with the current, and sometimes you have to swim against it til the tides change, and I feel like now is one of those times where I have to swim against it til the tide changes in my favor. And since no on that I really know in my personal life reads my blog I can freely say that it's time for me to slip out the back before they knew I was there.

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