Change of Heart

 
If you live through defeat, you’re not defeated.
If you are beaten but acquire wisdom, you have won.
Lose yourself to improve yourself.
Only when we shed all self-definition do we find who we really are.
- RZA

I'm 28 years old and I still don't have life figured out.

I feel like that's a proper disclaimer for anyone who looks at what they see through social media, because clearly they aren't reading the blog lol, and think that I'm just doing all kinds of great things with my life. I mean ok sometimes I undervalue what I do because I'm always looking at the bigger picture at what I want to accomplish. When it comes to people who are always working too hard to take time to notice their achievements, I'm probably top 2. Like for instance, I just landed this job and I'm still thinking about where I want to be and how this job can get me there, while everyone else is congratulating me and telling me that I did a great job, making it seem like I won the lottery or something. I don't know, I've never really been one of those people that rest on their lore's and just sat back and enjoyed what they had, I'm always looking to better myself with the next.

Of course that's a problem because it always leads to working yourself into the ground and becoming stressed out because you're constantly trying to do too much, which was the case with my now previous employer. I was going into my new job with the same mindset and ready to kill it financially wise like I did at my old job. But today was an interesting one because of the simple fact that I sat down and signed my paperwork for my new job and I decided to treat myself to some Starbucks, courtesy of this gift card that I had in the back of my wallet. So as I'm sitting there enjoying my frap, I decided to pull out my laptop and jot some ideas that I have down for the site. So as I'm doing this, a person comes up to me and starts talking to me, and introduces himself. Ok, just to let you guys know, I'm not a people person by any stretch of the imagination, so when this strange man walks up on me I guess he saw in my face and sensed my defense mechanisms going off lol. I'm 5'11, 250lbs, muscular built, with a beard, and I'm black, so quickly let me know his intentions.

And would you guess it, I was given some solid advice from a millionaire.

It was literally one of the easiest conversations that I've had in a while and it was funny because at the end of the little meeting, we started talking about why it was so easy to converse among each other as two humans enjoying the time. Well two things before I get into that: 1. I've never been the type to just hold a conversation with just anyone, I mean I come off as nice and hospitable, but in order to have a real conversation; it HAS to be about something of substance & 2. I mentioned that he was a millionaire; well he made his riches by opening up his own practice, as in therapy lol. So with those two things being known, he explained to me how my mind works. Apparently I thirst for life and knowledge, and my mind doesn't allow itself to become complacent. He said it's more common in people who demonstrate their cognitive abilities in that of literature and writing. He said he noticed that I had those abilities when I just pulled out my laptop and started typing away for about a good ten minutes without taking my fingers off the keyboard and clearly looking around at people and things going on at the same time. He said it's typical as well for people my age to have forward thinking, along with being connected socially via social media and the internet.

He said he sees it all the time where people with high intellect have so much on their minds and they tend to overload and drive themselves crazy, but with the invention of laptops and blogs, people have an easier outlet to release thoughts and have the ability to write them down quicker and more efficiently. He also said that he can tell that I'm attentive and I'm curious about things and I ask valid questions. He then hit me with the hammer, he asked if I had trouble keeping friends and keeping family members happy, which I replied that I did. He said there's nothing wrong with that because my mind and my thirst for life is so high right now that having a whole bunch of social connections are not really that important because most don't see or understand how my mind works. The only thing that will make me happy is getting out of there and experiencing life and seeing the wonders of the world. He told me when he was my age and working hard on becoming a doctor, he would sometimes sit back in his chair and wonder what it would be like to explore the world. He told me that money will always be important, but if he had a chance to do it all over again, he'd choose a different field and he would travel because that would've made him happy.

"Never lose that sparkle in my eye, the humbleness and eagerness to learn about the world."

That was the last thing he said to me as he shook my hand and walked away. Lately a lot of friendships have come to an end and a lot of people that I thought would never walk away, did. And the big thing about this whole day is that one I need to make more time for myself and do the things that make me happy and do the things that bring me joy right now, because tomorrow isn't promised, and even if it was, it comes far too quick to not enjoy it. That was one of the big deals I made back at the beginning of the year and that was to be happy with myself and do things for me. I've been taking care of myself lately and getting things back to where they need to be and most people can't understand the reason for me not being around as often anymore as I use to be. Now while that's a shame, and at the same time heartbreaking, it's not the end of the world.

I've been working hard to position myself to a point where I can do the things that I want to do and go to the places where I want to go because that's what my life is about, doing what I want. Those same people that I lost are the same people who are jumping into marriages or having kids because it feels like that it validates their life when it doesn't. Now I'm not knocking anyone for doing either one of those things because it's what makes them happy, but when you start trying to force those opinions and views on me, that's where we have a problem. And those same people that have been causing those specific problems are no longer around, today just served as a reminder that I'm on the right track. These things take time, and they aren't quick processes, but when you finally do start seeing gains, you're going to be happy. I stuck to my guns and stayed true to who I am and these little reminders put my mind at ease.

If you have a plan for a dream you're trying to accomplish and it's a little rough, don't worry, your time is coming and it's going to make you very happy that you went through the struggle to achieve your goals. Because like today showed me, you never know whose watching and willing to lend you either encouragement, or a great reason to keep pushing harder to prove them wrong.

That's life.

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