How The Cookie Crumbles

For once, I just want someone to understand why I have a broken heart.

It's not because my parents weren't really that great, or the fact that I had to grow up way before I had to. It's not because for most of my life I just wanted to live within a normal day as a kid, who was able to run and play and not have to worry about coming home to a bunch of nonsense. It's not because I was a teenager begging to be normal on the inside as how I tried to portray a nonchalant attitude on the outside. It's not because I didn't get a chance to play a sport, go to prom, get taught how to drive or even told I was a good enough son from time to time.

It's not because I left home and was told I couldn't make it in college without the help of people who really only wanted to help themselves. It's not because that I had to leave school because I just couldn't afford it, and had to sign up for the military. It's not even the fact that I had so many failed relationships due to the fact that I was personally unhappy with life and refused to drag down my girlfriends with me, so I broke up with them before they could even try to care.

It's just the fact that I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of always smiling and letting everyone think I'm this happy person on the inside who doesn't care. Truth of the matter, I do care. I care about every single person that has left my life, every single woman that I loved in their own way who I broke up with because I didn't want to hurt them too much. I care about all of my friends who just want to help me and see me happy because they know how sad I am on the inside. My family, who just wants me to come home and visit sometimes, so they can let me know that they love me every single day. And the only woman that ever loved me, who still loves me and just want to see me get it right.

The other half of it is that I'm scared.

 A lot of the times I just don't know about life, and that scares me. I don't know if I'll ever get it right or I'll ever become this great person that so many people say that they can see in me. I'm scared with how time is moving so fast and everyone is starting to settle down into their families and homes, while I'm still sitting here trying to figure out what I want to do with my own life. It's just scary to think that one minute you could make it and be on top of the world, or the next you could be in the bottom in the gutter somewhere.

But that's just life, for me.

I smile through it all, I keep it pushing through it all, most importantly, I pray through it all. For some reason, I don't get discouraged when I think of the long run. I don't become sad, angry or bitter. My mood actually changes to happy because there is one thing that I know for sure about this world, that God does not put anything in front of me that I cannot defeat. I know there's nothing I can't do in this world as long as I believe in the Lord and he continues to grant me mercy.

But on the days just like this, where I'm alone, in my room, with no one to talk to who will just listen to what I have to say and not judge or try to fix me, I'm at the lowest in life I can be. The fact that I can't lean on someone like that is the worst thing in the moment, and all the thoughts go back to the person who I could lean on like that. I didn't even have to talk to her about anything, the mere touch from her made me feel better because I just felt the love transmitting. Although she hasn't come right on out and say it, and probably won't ever say it, I know that she's with someone else. And don't get me wrong, I am happy for her because she's happy. Her being happy is really all that matters, but the reason I chose the two gifs at the top of this post is because that's how I feel at the end of the day on the inside.

No amount of words or advice can change how much she means to me, and ever since I found out that I suffer from extensive PTSD ranging from my childhood til now, it just sucks to not have her here, doing what she does best, and that's just making everything alright just by looking at her. That is my reality, it isn't all peaches and cream like everyone thinks it is. It's a daily struggle of trying to turn things around. It really sucks to have to let someone go who means the world to you because you don't want to hurt them.

I've struggled all of my life, and prayed that I could find one person who understands me, and when that day came, I messed it up.  It literally took me a year, just to get out of bed and talk to people on a daily basis again.  Right now, I'm not even looking at the screen, I'm actually typing with my eyes closed and the tears roll down my face.

It's just really hard to be me sometimes, and people don't understand because they think I just roll out of bed and I'm this awesome guy every morning. It's tough to put those pants on one leg at a time and rebuild yourself back up to the point where you're trying to be someone. Being a self-made human is hard, it's very hard work. Anyone who's self-made will tell you of all the struggles they endured til they made it, and right now, that's me, that's where I am at, I am struggling to endure at this moment, and the sad part is that no one will ever know or even understand how much hell I'm going through emotionally.

When they day arrives when I finally make it, it will be that much cherished and appreciated, simply because of the times that I'm currently going through.