The Lonely Hour

Sometimes I sit here and I wish that I had that one special to come home to every night when I got off work. Now don't get it confused for one second, I am not by any means lonely or looking for someone to fill a void at any cost. I'm simply being a human at this particular moment in regards to needing affection and care. It's been so long that it's kind of weird to even know what it still feels like to be with someone you truly want to be with. The thing that makes it a little sad for me at the moment is that there is no one like that on any kind of level with me. For the first time in a very long time, there is no one, there is no interest, there is simply just me.

This is like a new area that I’ve never really been in really because there was always someone that I could at the very least fill my time with and does something with. Now it's just me and only me, and I'm trying to learn how to be alone and enjoy myself before I be with someone again. Who knows whenever that will be, but as of right now, it's going on a year. It's been really educational from the standpoint of learning about me, but like I said before, I'm in the midst of feeling like a human. There's a lot of things I could say that I would wish would happen, but I know it's not going to, so there's no need really to even beat myself up over the fact that I can't be with someone who genuinely cares about me. That's the most important thing to me right now, and that's I.

But still in the same breath, my heart kind of aches and yearns for that type of love only a woman can give to a man she trusts completely. I've seen a glimpse of it and that's the reason why I'm sitting here writing this instead of rolling over to look at a beautiful woman, I can't accept just any old love. It's weird because I see people who settle and I just keep thinking to myself how I could never be those people because I know my worth and I'm starting to think that my worth is too much to afford around here. I know that sounds kind of douchey, but it's sincere and honest.

I'm a firm believer in our growing place, people, things; it's a natural part of life. But people tend to be afraid of change and don't really know how to adapt, so they lean on the vices that have always gotten them through life. That's kind of my success and downfall because I'm use to learning from my exes and moving on to something better, but that better is clearly not that great if I'm still single, you know? Learning how to move on and not give second chances is in my nature, but I forgot about the one important element here and that's the element of forgiveness.

All in all I wrote this because I'm just frustrated at the moment, actually I'm quite tired. I know its best not to get into something just for the sake of not being lonely because that will just cause a plethora of problems down the road, and that's something I'm just not interested in. But times like this, it's just a little annoying and a little hard when you come home and you cook dinner alone, come home to the same quite room and climb into the same cold bed. I understand those people who aren't strong enough to just not jump in the bed with other undeserving people for the sake of not feeling these feelings. I'm going to remain strong, I'm going to not give in, but eh, sometimes it get a little hard, and now is one of those times. Especially with me being a person that's not really too into feelings and being around someone all of the time, it's especially rough when I need it.

Honestly I don't know exactly where I was going with this, but none the less, it's just one of those times that I wish someone was around and someone was able to understand what's going on with a single African-American male that's waiting on something great, and working on himself in the process. It's a bumpy road, and I just hit a pot hole and I'm changing my tire right now.