In Retrospect

"You never truly rebound from your first love."

That what was said to me a year ago to this exact date, little did I know that person was right. You don't really rebound from something like that; you pretty much learn to live with the mistake you made. Right now at this moment I'm currently sitting here with the finest gin I could buy and I'm really just thinking about how things change so fast in a year. Life really comes at you fast and you either sink or swim with it. A lot of realizations and growth went into being a better man, and I can honestly say from that time period of last year til now, I've gotten better. And when I say I've gotten better, I've done more for me than I've done for others and I'm happy to say that. I saw that stretching myself thin and worrying about making sure everybody else was good was doing nothing for my own personal happiness. One day I looked up and I saw that there were literally a handful of people that actually understood me and had my best interest at heart, but in the end it was up to me to make a change, so I did.

But looking back at last year this time, everything was falling apart in my life. I was pushing all the people that loved me away, and I was breaking the heart of the only woman I ever unconditionally loved. I wasn't me, I wasn't in a good place, and I wasn't a good person overall. March was literally the beginning of my descent into just breaking down. No one really knows about the extent of my breakdown because I didn't show it. I was just kind of in hiding, doing my own thing, popping up randomly here and there, not really knowing too much of what was going on. I was just sort of going with the flow of life at that moment and not really thinking about consequences. Then one day I decided to get my whole life together, and it's working out well so far.

But to say this time last year was just one of the worse periods of my life and I'm just thinking about all of the things that I could have done different, but then I realize that everything happened for a reason. The reasons are not clear to me yet, but I do acknowledge that there is one and that the big man upstairs won't let me down in the end. The statement above is such a true statement because it holds truth for both sides of it. Just thinking at this current moment and I just realize that I've come a long way as a person and it's going to take a longer way to get even better. Days are getting a little bit better to bear, nights are a little easier to sleep and my mind is a little clearer, but there are those moments where my mind just goes back and thinks of all the happier times and how they're now gone.

So many thoughts about that moment, so many words to be sad, but I'm better off not living in the past. I'll just sip this drink of my and nod my head in agreement of great times that can't be replaced. Because at the end of the day, people move on, feelings move on, life goes on.

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