When You're Tired ..

Truth is I'm tired
Options are few
I'm trying to pray
But where are you?
I'm all churched out
Hurt and abused
I can't fake
What's left to do?

- Tamela Mann

I find it funny that one of the people I cherish most in my life suggested this song to me when I asked for a good Gospel song to listen to. If you don't know this song, it's called Take Me To The King By Tamela Mann, and it definitely hit home when I started listening to it. Initially when I listened to it, I thought it was a very sad song, and I didn't understand why my cousin would send this to me because I asked for a good song lol. I think what made me initially thought this song was a bit on the sad side was the actual beat, and the vibe the song came in with, I was stuck on the beginning part of this song. The quote above is the actual first verse of the song and the part that I couldn't get over, but as I put this song on to write this blog, I actually understand what this song is about now. And it's funny how it clicked in my mind when I actually heard the word within the song rather than me trying to understand the song for what I want it to be, that's music at its finest.

For what it's worth, I'm a great human being at the end of the day, but I know of life's struggles all too well. The big thing with me is that I see more struggle than the average person for some odd reason. Now I was told that I see all of these bad days because I was meant for something greater, I'm grateful for people thinking so highly of me, but it's getting kind of tired now. I know it's all about God's will and glory when it comes to his master plan for the life he wants me to live, and I'm pretty sure when I wake up in the morning I'm going to feel a completely different way than how I feel right now, it's just frustrating. It's annoying, frustrating, heartbreaking, depressing, and just overall sad when all you do is follow the rules and do what you're supposed to do only to keep reaching the same outcome. I mean I'm not perfect and I do things because I'm human and I make errors, but for the most part, I do what I'm supposed to do. The combination of getting older, not seeing any kind of real results in my endeavors of a relationship & just growing ever so tired of trying when something comes along. With every single day I put aside my aspirations of having a family and doing more so the things that make me personally happy, I'm convinced that it's not for me.

I tell people all of the time to actually have the hope and to keep the faith that God will bring them that person that was meant for them when they least expect it. I tell them to always work on their personal happiness while waiting for God to bring them someone and to not even worry about that day. But with me, it's just that I haven't seen too many shining examples of what a great relationship or marriage is in my own personal life, like I have this image of what it's supposed to be based of readings and the movies, but I'm guessing that's a flawed way of thinking. I don't settle at all, with anything in life, because I know that I will be unhappy and I simply can't fake the funk. That's why I don't have any kids or why I haven't settled and it's with that thinking and all of those situations that I've been in that I've grown more and more ok with being alone and just living vicariously through my friends and their families. And yes that statement sounds like what it implies, that I'm a defeated man in that regards.

That's how I felt before I understood the song.

I understood that I'm still doing the same thing that I've always done, and I'm always going to get the same results, and that's trusting in the process. The process of working hard, doing the right thing and expecting results because I carry myself in that way and thinking that will save me at the end of the day, and I was dead wrong. I'm missing the element of prayer, I'm missing the element of believing, and I'm missing the element of trusting in him fully. If you read my blogs in the past then you know I'm always going to give God the glory and praise, and you know how much I thank him for saving me from all of those bad wrecks, bringing me home from Iraq and keeping me away from Afghanistan. That's where my fearlessness comes from, I just know that if I'm doing something wrong then he's going to either humble me real quick or he's going to blaze a trail for me, and right now he's humbling me. He's humbling me because I needed to be reminded that I can't do this alone and have the faith in a system that needs him to spear head its success. When I started writing this, I was frustrated and tired, but now listening to this song on repeat and actually typing it out, I realize how much better I feel about everything.

I will forever be grateful for the entire struggle, heartbreak, failures and setbacks because they all teach me to be a better man. They all teach me to be a better human, and that's the most important thing here, it's always teaching me, and I'm always learning. So with that being said, I'm going to be fine, I know I'm going to be fine. It's just all a part of his plan and his process, and like Tamara said in the song:

Lord we're in the way,
We keep making mistakes.
The glory's not for us,
It's all for You.