Honesty, In A Timely Manner.

There's just some magic in truth, honesty & openness.
- Frank Ocean

Honesty isn't the best policy in regards to who I am.

I honestly use to think there was something wrong with me and how people never really seemed to be able to actually express how they feel towards me. In my rational mind, it was taken for people not really caring about me in general and was through with me. Then I started to think that it wasn't a matter of them not caring enough, but rather them not wanting to face the kind of wrath I can dish out. Not the nasty attitude, cussing out or the irate behavior, more along the lines of being able to cut ties and not look back without so much as a glance. Because at the end of the day, who really wants to be cast to the side and not cared for after experience genuine care.

Then I went to therapy and that all changed.

I wasn't the type of person to really understand other people's way of thinking as I should have. I mean my attitude is no different now, what's best for me is best for me, and what isn't, simply isn't tolerated. But as I sat down and it was explained to me, the more I decided to go into some thinking of my own on the matter. What if the people who I demanded to tell me about how they feel about me simply couldn't because they weren't built like that. What if the people who couldn't do it simply wanted some time apart from being my friend and wanted to grow as person for themselves and come back then. What if that person simply just wanted to get away from me, but not completely?

The thought is kind of eh to me.

Because on the one hand I believe now, not before, that people deserve a second chance. I realize how much the statement; "people aren't perfect" rings true. I had the philosophy for the longest of, "if they don't want to be here, then I'm not going to beg for them to stay". I applied that to any and every one, it was like once you got to that level with me, then you no longer existed. You no longer mattered to me in any sense. I mean if you were in dire need of help, talking stranded in the middle of Yonkers and the only way out was for me to send a cab, and then yea I could help. But for the most part, naw I was pretty straight on the whole trying to rebuild friendships phase.

But since my life has taken a complete 360, I come to the realization that people need time to grow, they need that buffer room. Life isn't as finite as I grew up thinking it was. Somewhere along the journey on the dirty dark road, I lost my companion, patience. He got off on a pit stop and was looking for me to stop and pick him up for a while, but I just was far too concerned with the people in the back of the bus making noise. Now that I've picked him up and dropped everyone else off, we're currently the odd couple trying to figure out how to get along with each other once again.

That's the best I can explain that as. Right now, I'm learning to regain my composure, and not just that, I'm also trying to learn something completely new, the understanding of other people's behavior. That is a biggie because I for most of my life have been one dimensional when it comes to caring. I just want people to realize that an overhaul in thinking is one of the hardest, but most rewarding things a person could do in their life. That's exactly what I'm doing. It's all for the better though because if it doesn't help me now, it will help me understand, god willingly, my future wife and kids.

Biggest thing I can take from this is that no one is perfect, no one has the right answers the first time around, and no one can possibly know the outcome of any event. The only thing that I can do is realize that the reasons people do things might not make any sense ever, but the one thing that is a variable in the situation, is that they can change for the better. It's just my job to be more open to them when they come back, not accept them for who they once were, because maybe there were meant to be greater or lesser in terms of friendship or position in my life. Only thing I have to do is give them that chance to prove that the change has happened within them.
  1. It is a hard realization that people aren't perfect and they don't always behave in a way that you expect them to. As I get older, I care less about making everyone happy and more about my own mental health and well being. I am told that this makes me selfish. I'd rather be happy and selfish than miserable and a people pleaser.

    1. It's not being selfish, it's called taking care of yourself, and it's called being the best you can be so you can be the best you can for those that do matter in your life. You are complete in the right and by all means, take care of yourself first. At the end of the day, you'll be glad you're happy alone than miserable with the crowd.

  2. It's taken me a while but recognizing my own flaws helps me process those in others.

    1. As soon as you're honest with yourself, you can see the honesty in others, at least that's my way of thinking.


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