There's just some magic in truth, honesty & openness.
- Frank Ocean
Honesty isn't the best policy in
regards to who I am.
I honestly
use to think there was something wrong with me and how people never really
seemed to be able to actually express how they feel towards me. In my rational
mind, it was taken for people not really caring about me in general and was
through with me. Then I started to think that it wasn't a matter of them not
caring enough, but rather them not wanting to face the kind of wrath I can dish
out. Not the nasty attitude, cussing out or the irate behavior, more along the
lines of being able to cut ties and not look back without so much as a glance.
Because at the end of the day, who really wants to be cast to the side and not
cared for after experience genuine care.
Then I went to therapy and that all
changed.
I wasn't the
type of person to really understand other people's way of thinking as I should
have. I mean my attitude is no different now, what's best for me is best for me,
and what isn't, simply isn't tolerated. But as I sat down and it was explained
to me, the more I decided to go into some thinking of my own on the matter. What
if the people who I demanded to tell me about how they feel about me simply
couldn't because they weren't built like that. What if the people who couldn't
do it simply wanted some time apart from being my friend and wanted to grow as
person for themselves and come back then. What if that person simply just wanted
to get away from me, but not completely?
The thought is kind of eh to me.
Because on
the one hand I believe now, not before, that people deserve a second chance. I
realize how much the statement; "people aren't perfect" rings true. I had the
philosophy for the longest of, "if they don't want to be here, then I'm not
going to beg for them to stay". I applied that to any and every one, it was like
once you got to that level with me, then you no longer existed. You no longer
mattered to me in any sense. I mean if you were in dire need of help, talking
stranded in the middle of Yonkers and the only way out was for me to send a cab,
and then yea I could help. But for the most part, naw I was pretty straight on
the whole trying to rebuild friendships phase.
But since my
life has taken a complete 360, I come to the realization that people need time
to grow, they need that buffer room. Life isn't as finite as I grew up thinking
it was. Somewhere along the journey on the dirty dark road, I lost my companion,
patience. He got off on a pit stop and was looking for me to stop and pick him
up for a while, but I just was far too concerned with the people in the back of
the bus making noise. Now that I've picked him up and dropped everyone else off,
we're currently the odd couple trying to figure out how to get along with each
other once again.
That's the
best I can explain that as. Right now, I'm learning to regain my composure, and
not just that, I'm also trying to learn something completely new, the
understanding of other people's behavior. That is a biggie because I for most of
my life have been one dimensional when it comes to caring. I just want people to
realize that an overhaul in thinking is one of the hardest, but most rewarding
things a person could do in their life. That's exactly what I'm doing. It's all
for the better though because if it doesn't help me now, it will help me
understand, god willingly, my future wife and kids.
Biggest thing
I can take from this is that no one is perfect, no one has the right answers the
first time around, and no one can possibly know the outcome of any event. The
only thing that I can do is realize that the reasons people do things might not
make any sense ever, but the one thing that is a variable in the situation, is
that they can change for the better. It's just my job to be more open to them
when they come back, not accept them for who they once were, because maybe there
were meant to be greater or lesser in terms of friendship or position in my
life. Only thing I have to do is give them that chance to prove that the change
has happened within them.
It is a hard realization that people aren't perfect and they don't always behave in a way that you expect them to. As I get older, I care less about making everyone happy and more about my own mental health and well being. I am told that this makes me selfish. I'd rather be happy and selfish than miserable and a people pleaser.
ReplyDeleteIt's not being selfish, it's called taking care of yourself, and it's called being the best you can be so you can be the best you can for those that do matter in your life. You are complete in the right and by all means, take care of yourself first. At the end of the day, you'll be glad you're happy alone than miserable with the crowd.
DeleteIt's taken me a while but recognizing my own flaws helps me process those in others.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as you're honest with yourself, you can see the honesty in others, at least that's my way of thinking.
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