Out of The Shadows

So I'm sitting on the edge of my bed as I write this.

Today was a very long day, Jonathan Ferrell's trial was ruled a mistrial after jurors said race didn't play a part and we still don't know really know what happened to Sandra Bland inside of that jail cell. That among other things going on in this country such as  the shooting of another teen one year after Michael Brown was killed in Ferguson and the monitoring of current prominent activists DeRay Mckesson & Johnetta "Netta" Elzie, basically COINTELPRO reborn. All of this has me really wondering what's going on in this country after a year of escalated violence towards people of color that is everywhere but nowhere reported. Time and time again there has been basically a "fuck you" from the government, local agencies and communities everywhere when it comes to factual evidence presented to them when it comes to civilization of innocent African Americans. Time and time again, when there is clear and evident lack of procedural following on the parts of police officers, who are either found to be unfit or under trained long before the shootings occurred, are let go because the victim has always done something that could have been prevented from their actual murders.

Time and time again I find myself taking a break from writing on the blog and I just schedule posts from my drafts to keep up with the promise of posting five times a week for the whole year. That's my secret, I write a lot and have a lot of drafts saved up just because when something like a shooting of an unarmed African American, my heart becomes heavy because I always think to myself what if I was next? I'm far from being a naive individual, I always think about the day that I die, you have to if you're an African American male, we've always had to. I always think about who gets my stuff or what type of insurance do I need so my family won't struggle paying for funeral arrangements, that's just reality. I would be lying if I say that when I went out that at some point and time I would be scared of dying before I snap out of it and have fun in the moment. Being deployed to Iraq doesn't help with the fact that I think about my surroundings 100x more than a normal person should. Before when I was looking around I was scanning the crowd for general threats, now I'm scanning the crowd for that and where are all the white people near me, just so that I know if I'm at a risk of dying.

And that's no way to live your life, no one should be looking over their shoulders if they haven't done anything wrong. That's the thing most people who aren't black won't understand about being black means in this country. We have to worry about dying on a constant basis, there are parents out there who are literally scared to let there kids go outside because they are scared someone will shoot them just for playing outside or just walking to a pool party with their friends. That's just not how to live life and for some reason, with overwhelming evidence laid at their feet, majority of white people in this country don't see the problem with it, and that includes the American government. Everyone from all corners of the world see what is going on in this country but the people that run it are looking with a blind eye simply because they don't want to mess up the money flow or their self interests. That's the root of all the problems in this country, those that are in power profit from the deaths, incarcerations and welfare stricken due to lack of opportunities, and most of those happen to be black people.

I've wanted to write about this for a long time but I didn't know exactly where to start. I wanted to come off as knowing, but not overtly stuck in the trenches without my head facing up to see what's going on. Because on the flip side of all the police brutality and open racism in the form of confederate flags and pickup trucks, there are "civil rights activists" out here slamming other activists down simply because they have more notoriety than they do. That's the kind of stuff that deters the majority from speaking up on behalf of the struggle, it's one of those deals where they feel as if speaking up is worthless when the ones doing the leading is too worried about who is getting the most shine. We praise Dr. King, Brother X and Mrs. Parks for making the most notable contributions to the movement, but we all know that SNCC, Carmichael, Newton, Hampton and the Black Panthers Party had just as much to do with the movement as they did.

Good friend of mine @SheSeauxSaditty sent out a warning for us that have a presence online and off to be careful out here in the streets because they were watching and waiting to take us out little by little, that was a few days before news that DeRay was being watched.

I know by simply mentioning COINTELPRO and browsing it from my browser at home has indexed me into a database that watches those of us that are tired of living in fear. I know that I'm marking myself for a possible shooting by speaking out on the injustices in this country. And that one day after my death they will try to discredit and eradicate me from memory, but fuck it we all have to die sooner or later right?

I'm not an activist or someone that organizes rallies, nor do I even show up for them. That doesn't mean I don't support them, I just find more power in speaking about these situations and shedding light on others that touch more people who are scared to go out there and march along side those that do. One day I will be out there in the trenches, and one day I will be louder than my words here. This is just the tip of the ice berg, this is me breaking into what has become a way of life that I don't want to live anymore. There are people out here without the words of the voice to speak their frustrations and I find it my duty to at least speak on behalf of those people that agree.

I've finally found my voice and I plan on fully using it from this point on out.

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